What's all the fuss about anyway??

See you on the other side...

2009-03-31T16:21:00.003+05:30

The blog's been..well, retired prematurely. Buit we have a replacement...so you still have to put up with me.

Cheers!!

kennyosophy.blogspot.com

The Other I.

2008-12-02T02:40:00.014+05:30

Alter ego: An alter ego (Latin, "the other I") is a second self, a second personality or persona within a person.

PROLOGUE: Greetings to the readers. Today I won't be writing the post. And I have a pretty good reason for that. A very good friend of mine, someone I've known for as long as I can remember,who perhaps got annoyed by the hours I've been spending trying to come up with something to write, has decided to take up things in his own hands. And he offered to write about me, so there was no way I could have said no. just hope he doesn't reveal too many of my well-kept secrets. But without further delay, I'll pass over the keyboard to our guest writer.

What's all the fuss about anyway? Hmmm....I wonder what his interpretation of "the fuss" is. Is it the world with all it's chaos, or the life we've shared.

We haven't been together from the start. Kenny was there before I arrived on the scene (long story for some other day). But then as per the nomenclature norms, a technical default if you will, I took over. Anant Seam. The world came to know Kenny through me. But out here in the blogging world, it's the other way around. You know me through Kenny, I'm just the name on the email address. And that's because he chooses to listen to the so called "voices in his head" and reveals my life in words for the world to read. Did anyone of you ever got around to ask him why he writes in italics? It's because he's just jotting down thoughts, my thoughts, and analyzing and interpreting them, instead of just making straight forward statements like I do. I live in the world, Ken...well he has his own twisted fantasy world.

Kenny's the guy who won't let me get up in the morning to go to work because he can't ever think of himself stuck in a rut working in a tedious cycle, no matter how detached he gets when I do get to work. I think he's just lazy and unfocused. He's the guy thanks to whom, I'm up at five on a Sunday. He wants me to quit my job, and retire and settle somewhere along a beach in a few years, putting all my plans in jeopardy. He hates the ties I wear to meetings, and it's a big task to keep his hands of my neck to tear it off. He's the guy who keeps me up all night delving deep into his thoughts and mine, asking for reasons and solutions. And he's at it until I get too emotionally involved and am on a brink of a nervous breakdown. But than thankfully, he's also the guy who whispers in my ear, "Just f*ck it!!!" and gives me a pretty decent reason why I should do that. He hates literature, says it's always better to make up your own quotes than to quote others. I think that explains what he's been doing here all this while. I read the books that help him form his own quotes. He's never been the one to be bothered about making impressions on people's minds, and he won't fake it. If he doesn't like you he announces his displeasure. Still, he's the one who makes all the friends. I hate him for that. I have to curb him and be the diplomatic one. Kenny's the hopeless romantic. He's the one who falls in love all the time and I'm the one who ends up paying for it (both emotionally and financially). For some reason he can't seem to stay detached from the rigors of love and all the baggage that it brings along. He craves for it, and he drags me along with him. And I must say he does find some pretty amazing women. Honestly I can't say that I regret being with any one of them. I often joke to him that he hates being single because he knows that if he doesn't find anybody he'll be stuck with me, but then I also realize that maybe he's doing it more for me than for himself. He thinks I'm pretty boring, too worldly wise for his tastes. I think his ways are too wild for me. All his Saturday night's alcoholic liaisons, with me ending up nursing the Sunday morning hangovers. The cigarettes he manages to sneak into my day when I'm trying to quit. The tattoos he wants to engrave on my body. The haircuts he's made me carry off. The nights spent with him wondering what the hell I was doing there. But that's the way it has to be.

Being held together by the physical limitations of a body as compared to the endless limits of the mind, Kenny and I have worked out a system for survival, we know who works best where, so that keeps us from tipping over the edge to what the shrinks would term "schizophrenia". He knows when he's supposed to fade out, I know where I'm supposed too fill in. Want to know how to make a Manhattan? Talk to Kenny. Want to discuss the economy? Come to me. I make contacts. He makes friends. He finds love. I plan the date. It's all a nice little habitat, with each role defined. And that's life as we'll know it. Watching each others backs.Kenny n' me.
Basically I'm complicated
I have a hard time taking the easy way
I wouldn't call it schizophrenia
But I'll be at least two people today....

P.s. : I really hadn't plan to give out any of his secrets..but after he mentioned it...the offer was too tempting...so...so he won't be giving away any secrets, cause he's out now, the blogger is my role, I can take over whenever I want. At the end, the words at the bottom will always say "Posted by Kenny". :)

Begin. End. Repeat.

2008-11-01T17:47:00.004+05:30

Those of you who thought I was dead or something....tough luck, I'm still alive and unfortunately for those of you who're actually reading this, I'm still "thinking" enough to try and come back and write out the voices brimming over in this head of mine.

To the purists who claim that it's necessary to update blogs at regular intervals to uphold their sanctity...I apologize. I know three months is too long to be called a break.

Where was I all this while? Still trapped in this maze of life, trying to work my way through it. But the online "avatar" of it that most of us can't do without in this age.....just seemed to have been disconnected. It's not just the blog...I haven't read any other blogger's post in the last three months, with a couple of exceptions, left just one comment all this while, no Facebooks or Orkuts, no personal mails. I've been asked about when I'd get to update...only to end up either lying about it or ignoring the query altogether. People have put up missing signs for me out in cyberspace. It's not that I didn't have anything to write about, a lot has happened in the months that have passed, life has changed...and I could have worked something up, just didn't feel the inner urge to do so. Didn't feel there was really something going on in my mind that absolutely needed to be put into words. I would've called it a writer's block...but I'm not that creative so as to claim one. Let's just call it being extremely lazy...and that should wind up all of my excuses for now.
To borrow a thought from "Seinfeld"...this post is basically about NOTHING. Updates on life would take too long, given the sheer volume of the time that has passed since the last post. This is just an attempt to reclaim lost turf, trying to break back into the Blogger's skin. Maybe next time (it'll be soon...so no funny comments about that!!) I'll write something more interesting.

If anybody's wondering about the title...that is IF anybody's reading at all...it's just something that's been in my mind for a while. How life is all about changes...how in a way it all comes to you in phases. The whole "What goes around comes back around" thing. How you always get another chance to make things work. And after this long sojourn, you could call this another "phase" for this blog. One which will be hopefully be a more interesting read for you people out there. One where for once, I'll think that I've written something that does completely satisfy me, word to word...unlike this post. One where I'm more regular with the posts (that's what they told me to say). :P
It's Saturday...and I really need to get out now. I'll be back pretty soon though...and I do hope some people do drop by. "Begin"'s done. "End"'s done. Repeat will be next time...till then, Cheers!!

This, That...n' Other Stuff.

2008-08-01T19:35:00.013+05:30

Ok, so maybe i went a lil' bit overboard in my last post, wallowing in my misery and self-pity. It seemed like a good enough idea at the time I wrote it, but like the wise ones always say...think twice before you hit "Enter". But I did exaggerate...I don't hate my life that much, considering I'm not that fond of the other option. One funny thing I did notice, though , was that when I asked you guys about how you were doing, a lot of people showed up...and when I started to talk about it, most of them are gone (Yeah..11 comments are a big deal for me...what is it to you??). But then I do agree with you...I mean what kinda comment would you leave a guy who's whining on and on about his life? Ok..this is starting to sound like complaining. I'm not complaining. I'm just trying to get warmed up before I realize what this post is gonna be all about....

Well, it has been while since I did an update on what's been going on in 'My Life' ( and the last post doesn't count here...that was just a classic example of being caught in a weak moment). So I'll do one of those point-to-point updates most people do. So here goes...

- After two months of sleepless nights, momentary insanity (again use the last post as a reference) and going over the facts again and again, I think, or I'd like to believe that i am finally at peace over whatever ensued between Su' and me. It's a long story how the moment of realization came about (involves a weird dream...guess with a brain that screwed up only that'd have worked), but after giving it all the thought I could muster up, I realize that whatever happened, in the end...I won't say was all for good...but that it's not all lost. All the how's and why's just sorted out, and now I'm feeling way better.

- I'm definitely liking the new sarcastic side of me that's sprung up quite nicely over the last few weeks, after being neatly packed up and forgotten about for quite some time now. It's not a great way to live socially, you don't make any friends....but it's damn satisfying!!

- G is getting married in October. This October. G happens to be my best friend since the school days. The weird part is....he's 23 and he's totally not freaked out that he's getting married. I was speechless when I first got to hear about it. Ditto all my other buddies. But this guy's cool as ice. 'Just another day at work...and in the evening...ohh...I'll get married.' Something like that. And that for some reason, I find hard to believe. I don't care how much you're in love or whatever....you're 23 and getting married. Gimme something!!

- My ciggie habit had also resurfaced over the last couple of months, but any chances of going back full-time again got nipped in the bud, thanks to my dad and his twisted sense of humor. Seems he found out somehow, and on the phone I'm asking him about why he's getting so adamant about getting my bro married real soon. To which he replies, "I'm going to be retired soon. I'll have loads of free time. And to keep me occupied I'll need grandchildren. And at the rate you're going with your ciggies I'm not sure if I should be expecting any from you so...".
Below the belt. But Touché Dad!!

-And among other things...I've found out that I have lost my ability to sit long enough to watch a whole Hindi movie at one go, that I can't work without taking an hourly break (seems to be a pattern there, I think) and that for some reason people have this illusion that I give great advice, even if I repeatedly tell them they'd be better off listening to the Devil instead of me, they always manage to come back. And I wanna get back to learn to play the guitar.

And I've no idea about what would be a great way to sign off. I've been thinking about it for last 10 minutes and nothing came up. So I'll leave with a quote...not mine. Just something to think about.

"You can be obsessed by remorse all your life, not because you chose the wrong thing - you can always repent, atone: but because you never had the chance to prove to yourself that you would have chosen the right thing."

I have no idea why I wrote that...

Aaaaarrrrghh!!!

2008-07-24T14:35:00.011+05:30

After all these days, it's all come down to this.

What happens when you become all of the things you always thought you hated? Do you learn to accept those things? Or do you start hating yourself??

Today, I don't know how or what to feel....
I look at myself in the mirror and can just think of the ways I've let myself down. My emotions are puppets in the hands of other people. I fall in love with the wrong people at the wrong time. And once in I've no idea how to get out. All my life I distanced myself from people...and now today I haven't got anybody I can tell how I really feel. I look up to people I don't even know to give me a comforting word or smile. My envy has reached a point where I think it has a mind of its own, it strikes without a warning. I get hurt...but I can't express the pain, and that hurts even more. I can't stop this voice in my head from getting obsessed about trivial issues that the sane part of me doesn't even care about. I have no idea where my life is headed. I'm a whore for money....but money isn't helping my mind. I live a lie every single day, because I've led people to believe that I live a charmed life that couldn't be any more perfect...and I'd rather live that illusion than show people how vulnerable I actually am. I stay up nights thinking if I've gone crazy (the timings of my last few blog posts should confirm that). I think I am crazy. I'd like to be crazy. That way I'd have an excuse.

Today I'm disappointed in myself. Today I'm the sum of all the things I never wanted to be.

Today the lil' guy in my head has been screaming all day long. Today I'm smiling, hoping my fake happiness will drown him out.

Let's Talk.

2008-07-19T01:59:00.005+05:30

So, how are you today?

Yeah...you, now don't act so surprised. You, the person staring intently at your desktop/laptop screen trying to get a glimpse of the weird little thing I call my life...yeah, I AM talking to YOU. You didn't think all I do here is tell my story and get done with it, did you? No, I think of it as a two way conversation...except here I get to speak more, and nobody interrupts me until I'm done. So today i thought I'd let you talk...so I'm asking, how are you today?

And don't say you're fine. The same f-ing answer we keep on repeating day after day never really meaning it. Everybody says "I'm fine"( Also a movie directed by Rahul Bose in 2002...todays' useless trivia). But tell me, how do you really feel today? C'mon, I'm giving you a chance nobody else might...say whatever you want to say. Out of love? Ridiculously happy in love? Got an A-hole for a boss? Having the best day ever? Hate your job? Love your job? Wanna kill your neighbor? Or a colleague? Looking great today? Having a bad hair day? Didn't notice your fly had been open all day? Can't stop smiling? Want to tell me to go f&#k myself? Just tell me. This time you speak first. I'll listen. And not judge. None of that.

That's just the kind of mood I'm in today. And I'm not even drunk...

Bon Appétit!!

2008-07-15T04:11:00.004+05:30

Cooking is an art. I am not an artist.

Now most people would've left it at that an got on with their lives. But, as the legend goes, Kenny never gives up without a fight, specially when his food is at stake...because he has a lot of free time. In my honest opinion cooking as an art form has a lot of advantages over its contemporaries. You don't need to be naturally talented for it, if you have enough flair and enough practice, you can be just as good. You don't need an audience to appreciate or judge your work, as long as your taste-buds are in perfect condition. You don't have to be totally original, and your masterpieces have a great repeat value....who would mind having a sumptuous meal week after week? And, like with all art forms, I've found over time that cooking can be an excellent conversation starter with the ladies. ( Ok kiddos!! Take notes...firstly the women are intrigued by men who have dared venture into what's mostly termed as their domain - namely "the kitchen". Two, brush up on the basic cooking jargon but don't try to pass yourself off as an expert...because if you're not you WILL be found out. Three, try talking about this dish you've been trying but hasn't worked out for some reason...read up about the dish from a cookbook before you do that...and the women, nice people that they are, always like to help out. And they also like the fact that you're willing to admit that you're doing something wrong...one thing they think most men lack. So you score extra brownie points for that!!)

Anyways, the topic's art of cooking and not flirting so without further distractions. Cooking has always appealed to the curious side of me, whether it was helping out my mum in the kitchen as a 7 year old and wondering in awe as the seemingly normal ingredients came together to form all those dishes. Or as a teenager when the kitchen was my favorite experimental lab during summer holidays. But then moving out of house, in the last six years I never really got around to get myself to cook again. That is until a normal Saturday, which would've gone with the usual routine of takeaway food and eating joints. But fate had other plans...as rummaging through my closet I came face to face with the only cookery book I've ever bought ( I was feeling kinda bad for the salesman at this bookstore where I'd spent a good two hours going through the comic books...so I'd picked up a book on 'Italian Cooking' on my way out. ) As I sat there flipping through the pages I came across this illustration...and I knew that was what I HAD to have for lunch. There was this feeling i can't really explain. Ok, for the guys I can try to term an analogy...remember when as hormone ravaged teenagers we used to flip to the centerfold of our "dirty" mags and look at the model and wonder, dumb-struck in our awe, what those boobs would feel like?? We couldn't put it in words because none of us really knew...but we knew it had to be awesome!! That's the feeling I'm talking about. And girls...after that example I'm sure you must be thanking your stars that I'm not gonna try and think one out for you too.

So there I was, seduced by " Pasta Amatriciana". So after a short trip to the mart I was ready to begin. I had the ingredients, I had my recipe, I had my beer to accompany the meal...what could possibly go wrong?? And exactly an hour and a half later I learn the following things :
- The extra seasoning of a dash of human blood you involuntarily add to the list of ingredients while chopping onions doesn't really help the flavor. It doesn't do your finger any good either...
- The kitchen is a mystical place in another dimension where all logics of time and measurement cease to exist. The chef's 15 minutes seemed much shorter than my 15 minutes. The chef's recipe's for serving four, I figure I'll make enough for two and halve the ingredients...doesn't add up!!
- When you come across some fancy sounding term that you don't understand, don't go "Ooohhh!! Big Italian chef with all his bloody fancy lingo!!" Big mistake. Go through the glossary at the end or look them up on the net. It's better than eating something raw or over cooked or just plain miserable.
- Stick to the rules. If it's your first time cooking, this is not the place you want to let the rebel in you out. Since your entire digestive system is at stake, you'll see the sense in that. You can leave the experimentation for later.
- If in the end it doesn't turn out well, blame the Mr. Big-shot Italian cook in his big fancy Italian kitchen, drinking Italian wine with his hot Italian wife. Probably drives a Ferrari too. Grrrr.....I so hate that guy!!

At the end of it, I was staring at a plate of what looked to me like the "evil twin" of the dish I'd ran into earlier in the picture. Maybe it lacks the looks, maybe it has a beautiful inner soul...the spiritualist in me says. Wrong again.

Cooking is an art. I am not a cook.....yet. As the legend continues, Kenny gets knocked out...he gets up again.
But at that moment I was just another guy with two cans of beer. My masterpiece is yet to come.

P.S.: This happens to be my 50th post at this place. 50 special moments spent in Blogsville, good, bad, weird, got all kinds....and thanks to all the wonderful people who've dropped by, pretended that they've read all through the post and left a nice comment at the end...ok, just kidding!! So today I raise a toast, to the place where I came to lose my mind....and found out I wasn't the only one. Cheers!!
P.P.S. : I've started replying to the comments you guys leave on my posts taking a cue from the other bloggers (don't wanna end up being labeled snobbish!!). So if you're the kind of person who's into that stuff, just though I'd let you guys know...starting with my previous post. And Life's good......

I'm Just A Guy...

2008-07-02T04:48:00.008+05:30

DISCLAIMER: The views expressed below are my personal thoughts and do not necessarily apply to a group as a whole...that is unless they want to. And guys, if you don't agree with whatever I'm going to say, please don't beat me up. And if you do agree with me...still, please don't beat me up!!

In retrospect, I guess I just have myself to blame for bringing this upon myself. With a blogroll in which seven out of ten bloggers are female, plus that I'm more inclined to read blogs put up by girls (not really my fault...the female mind always did intrigue me more!!) it was inevitable. And I thought, well, considering I have an opinion on everything...why don't express it this time as well. It all started with the posts. Posts where the subject of guys would crop up.....we were the bad guys, the people with no emotions, some even said we had no hearts, that we didn't belong in a civilized world, we couldn't give or command respect, we lived under illusions that we were "knights" and so on. Firstly, let me tell you this...girls, you are right. I know I could get butchered by the guys for this but it's true. Of the ten things that you think are wrong with us, all of us have at least eight of them genetically engraved onto our DNA. So why does it bother me, if I'm already submitting to the fact that it is true? Simple, because I'm a guy, I'm one of them, and then I'm really not....actually lots of us are not, but we live double lives divided between the "cliche' guy" definition and who we really are...just because of the reasoning that you belong with the majority unless you can prove otherwise.

So who are we? We are the guys who woke up one day and thought that maybe there was something wrong with us, something on which all of your accusations could be based upon...and we ventured out to find what that was and to change it. We were going against every natural instinct of ours, we were going against "the tribe"...but we were just getting bloody tired of being ridiculed all along. So we tried. We were just as curious as the others about you when we first saw you, but we recognized the fact that ogling at your cleavage was not the way to express that. We did have sex on our minds, but then we also knew that it was not necessary to express that every time you're around. We were brought up in a world that said to us "real men don't have emotions"....but we didn't accept that and poked around inside, and we discovered that we have them just as much, if not more, than you do. We had enough reasoning to establish that remarking about how great your ass looks is not a great way to start a conversation. The thought of being in your bad books is really discomforting for us, so we think and we think and we think again in every single thing involving you so that no bad vibes are there. We respect your intelligence as much as we admire your physical attributes (and we know enough not to be vocal about it!!). We, like any other guy, could get possessive about our women, but we wouldn't ever let it show in front of you...maybe we'd punch holes in the bedroom wall when you'd go out for drinks with that handsome guy from work, but we wouldn't let you know how possessive we are. We knew that Knights are of no use when there are no damsels to be rescued. That's us. Us?? Am I one of these guys? I know it was pretty easy for me to acknowledge that this is my space and take some liberties....so I won't judge that, the "we" is just representative of those who belong. All I'll say is that there are guys like that, who want to change the way the equation of the sexes stands...and you know that just as well as we do. And I don't know what exactly I'm hoping to achieve by writing all of this, but I do feel the need to let the "voices in my head" out once in a while...so I'm just doing that. The main idea here is just that...there's good with the bad...so just don't give up on us yet. We're trying to change. Honest...not a cliche' guy "honest", "honest" the way you want it to mean. ;)

The Aftermath...& A Few Lil' Secrets.

2008-06-18T15:32:00.007+05:30

It's been a whole month now, and I've been holding up much better than I'd thought I'd be able to manage. Single, sane and still surviving. And it seems to be getting better with time.I read this in a book once that time is the best narcotic for pain. Either the pain disappears when it runs its course or a person learns to live with it. At this moment in time something of both is applicable. The pain has not disappeared but there is less of it.The easy going slow pace on the work front is one thing I'm not really appreciating though, cause this is the one time that I could use some of the usual frantic pace involved to keep me occupied. Up until now I haven't told anybody personally about the events that transpired, and the two guys that somehow did manage to run across the blog (which goes to say a lot about how popular the blog is..) to find out have nothing more to offer than buying me a round of drinks so I can "let it out", as they put it. Which roughly means that I should get drunk and then bitch and whine about how things got screwed up. And that's why I haven't played along and don't plan on doing so, I've got nothing to bitch or whine about, I know where and how things got screwed up and I'm not pissed off at anybody. And one of the main reasons is I don't wanna be drunk when I'm sad. I've seen how pathetic I can get when I do that. Total nightmare...you don't wanna know.

Life has changed quite a lot too ever since the thing happened. There are obviously ways in which you expect things to change. Like dealing with all the emotional stuff you have to go through, analyzing what went wrong where and what the future holds. Then there are the slightly uncomfortable social situations where everybody starts wondering why you wanna hang out with them all the time all of a sudden, or how much you've started calling up your friends lately. Communications are affected. I haven't been online to talk to anybody for the whole month now. The Vodafone people must be wondering in awe if this month's phone bill was really mine, the guy who'd managed to sky-rocket his credit limit from a measly 3000 to a whopper of 10,000 bucks. Sleeping patterns are affected. The insomnia still prevails but for totally different reasons. It goes along the pattern of a Sine curve. At the beginning, fresh into love, you're getting no sleep, it's all just so exhilarating. Then as things start to settle down a bit, the amount of sleep you can manage increases...and then with the break-up it's back to zero. Entertainment is affected. Here it's mostly about what could trigger off the depression. Like I've been skipping almost three-fourths of the songs on my play list ( and now I've also got to learn why couples have "our song" and not "our freakin' whole god-damn play list"...once you've split you don't lose out on listening to all your fav songs)...cause they can be potential triggers. Ditto for movies, tv-shows or places you like to hang out at. And these "triggers" can also help in evaluating how much better you're getting....like the day I can sit and listen to "Almost Here" without feeling a thing I'll know I'm good.

And as always, I've tried to analyze what I did learn at the end of it all. And that would be that I've this tendency to get too complacent once I think that things are going along smoothly. And I haven't got what it takes to carry forward a long-distance relationship. That's just not my thing..... ok, I guess that about enough for now, about the whole thing, maybe I should move on to something else. Some of the guys on the blogroll have been seeming kinda down lately ( that's for Adi, Shyma and J with his visa problems) ....hope things are getting better now. Hmmm....next time I think I should try writing about something more interesting... like why i love to hate celeb couples, or why i think blogging is one step away from being termed sadistic, or why i really feel that I have super-powers, it's just that the accident where they are revealed to me hasn't occurred yet. If you believe me in the last one, you'll probably me my arch nemesis. If you don't you'll probably wind up as my side-kick.

I saw this tag on Sam's blog and thought of trying it out. It's supposed to be about revealing ten secrets, but the way it's going I think it could be better described as "10 facts about me that I can think of now" or something like that..cause I didn't see anybody reveal any secrets, and some secrets can get ugly....and I only want you to see my favorite side of me and not my ugly side ( I know I shouldn't stoop as low as quoting songs word to word...but it just fits, doesn't it??), so I'll play it safe. Anyways here goes nothing...

1. At age 14 my parents wanted me to go see a shrink. And they still do.
2. When I'm around girls and I speak in Hindi, for some weird reason it comes out with this accent that I didn't know existed until it happened the first time....and I've no idea why it happens. Honest.
3. In my 6 years in Delhi, I haven't made any friends. Made contacts, made acquaintances... no friends.
4. I will never share my food with a person if he/she had the option of having the same thing I'm having.
5. I can get really uncomfortable talking to people on the phone.
6. I like going to sleep with stuffed toys next to me. Kinda feels good...
7. I'd never tell a girl that I love her just to get her in bed. However I think one night stands are okay, as long as there's no cheating involved.
8. I have really terrible luck. It's no secret, but it's getting tough to come up with ten of these things.
9. A woman's feet can be a major turn-on or turn-off for me. Call it a kink or foot fetish or whatever, but I check out the feet.
10. I think I've got a good sense of humor...but with a terrible sense of timing, so it doesn't help me in any way.

Ok, so that's ten for me. If anybody wants to do it, let me know once you're done. And I'll head out of here for now. Got loads of "Single in the City" articles to catch up on.... ;)

The Trouble With Love Is...

2008-05-24T03:43:00.006+05:30

After a relatively mind-numbing month spent contemplating whether I should resume the blog or let the "farewell" post stay up as I intended it to, events of the last week have given me some kinda reason to come back around. Rather ironically, if I may add.

So, I could quote a hundred songs about it or a million words....but at the end of it all nothing else but two words are enough to bring me to reality of it all. Su's gone. Forever. Period. No re-conciliations this time around, no second chances to make amends. Just like that, one day I wake up and it all vanishes. Not the love, just the chance to make it last. And in a way, Life, at least for the blog, has come a full circle. It all started with a heartache, then somehow out of nowhere came "the love", and now it's time for he heartache again, and it keeps getting worse each time. One place where practice doesn't really make perfect. And it's ironical, at least I feel it's ironical, maybe that's the wrong word to use in the context, because she'd said that she would stop talking to me if I didn't get working and put something up on the blog real soon.

Ok, I'll be honest. We both knew it'd come to this one of these days. But, and I'm gonna quote Su' herself over here...."In the middle of an ordinary life, love gives us a fairytale." And along with that a hope, that somehow everything will go right. That somehow, some way, you can make anything possible. And that's exactly where I, or rather we, forgot the ground rules of how the real world functions. We don't always get things the way we want. And as the curtains fall down on another chapter of my life, I muse on what hurts the most. Deleting all the signs that a person you love more than anything else ever existed, or having to forget a whole year of your life just because every little memory reminds you of that person, or the feeling that a couple of years down the line, the other person may not even recall who you are, or at least pretend to do so.

Anyways, I know the best thing to do now is to move on. Just wish it was as simple as the "Fast-Track" advertisements. And as always, I did learn something, came out a little bit wiser. And at the risk of sounding totally goofy, I'd really like to thank Su' for one thing. For taking the scepticism out of me. For showing me that love is not over rated. That what I did believe to be "real life love" was actually feasible. That all the things people say about loving somebody more than one's own self, all that is possible, and not just in greeting cards. And for never complaining when she didn't get all that in return. I'll miss you, Red. And I have a feeling that some part of me will aways love you.

P.S.: If you're reading this, life without you really sucks....but then, you already know that.

23.

2008-04-05T05:37:00.010+05:30

22/03/1985.

22/03/2008.

23 years. 23 years since my arrival into this crazy world, since this wild ride called "Life" started...for me of course, life was here much before that. That's the only relatively significant happening I can boast of since I last came out here to write. And a couple of weeks ( that's also exactly how late this post is ) down the line even that seems insignificant....just a change in the digits and a realisation that time is passing me by, that's all I'm left with after the D-day has passed and celebrations attached have died down...that and a few greeting cards and a mother of all hangovers. And it sucks having a festival and birthday coincide....got 34 Holi greetings, 4 calls for the birthday wishes, so much for Mr. Popularity. Not to forget that it's also a "Dry Day"...but trust me to take care of that. The birthday evening just drilled in the fact that my social life shot itself in the head, which in turn points towards why there's nothing" happening" to report. So that explains the header for the post, lame as it is...but then, it goes well with rest of ad libbing I'm doing here under the pretence of writing. But then, small good things have been happening that help me along...help me retain enough enthusiasm to say "Life looks good." That's another thing that my head starts screaming the choicest of explicit adjectives when people ask me how my life's going. That should explain the weird look on my face every time I answer that question. And I know I'm straying off the topic and rambling on again...but I never did claim to have any talent for this, did I?

Honestly, I really want to crib and complain and bitch about life ( though I think I did succeed in that a lil' bit, my apologies ) and certain people in it right now, a LOT, in fact I had the whole thing worked out in my head, how I would go through pouring out my woes one by one to unsuspecting strangers...but I won't ( you can take a sigh of relief now ). Two reasons. You don't care and I don't want to because I know you don't want me to. Nice and simple.

I hope to be back soon...hopefully with something good this time, show streaks of some talent, give the people something they'll like eh? And finally, there are these lyrics that I feel come pretty close to describing my state of mind right now. So I'll leave you with them. Today, I feel unwell.

"All day, staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall.
All night, hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something.
Hold on
I'm feeling like I'm headed for a, breakdown.
I don't know why.
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell...."

Strangers.

2008-03-03T03:21:00.005+05:30

Strangers.
You and I.
That's what we are.

I don't know you.
You don't know me.
It seems like an eternity that i've been staring.
And without blinking, you stare back.
Both trying to comprehend the others mind.
And the inadequacy to do so lingers in the air.
Chaos racing through the mind.
The world looks at us and says we belong together.
Say we know each other inside out.
But here tonight.
Strangers.
You and I.
That's what we are.

I try to work out the jigsaw in my head.
Did I come up to you first?
Or was it you?
And who spoke that first unheard sentence ?
That spoke more than a million words.
With a look that deafened with its silence.
I try, but my memory can't go back that far.
After all the sleepless nights with you.
And cursing you, I pull the plug.
You're gone....

A mere reflection.
Holding thoughts of mine I don't know.
Strangers.
You and I.
That's what we are.

I Came, I Wrote, I Slept.

2008-03-02T03:42:00.008+05:30

Well, writing this post is gonna be hell of a pain because my keyboard's been pretty screwed up the last couple of weeks and insists on eating up letters at will, and to top it all I am sleepy...which sometimes can be disastrous...like the time in an e-mail it typed out "it seems you suck at work" where I was supposed to say " it seems you're stuck at work"...the little ' didn't help...but that's a whole different woe of mine. That's always been a problem...can never focus on one topic in my mind, one dish at a buffet, one girl in a crowd....you get the drift. Ok, I don't know how much attention you guys have been paying to whatever I insist on writing, I mean you don't have to, it's not like i'm going to take an exam....but once i'd written something about "Ghosts from the past" ....how they always catch up with you when you least expect and how it's good that they do...blah blah...just read the goddamn post again. What i'm trying to get at is that turned out to be true...i'd written that just on an impulse of thought and for once something I said actually happened and it made sense!! You can probably guess how euphoric I feel right now....after a lifetime of making statements that didn't stand an iota of a chance of coming out to be true something comes along that changes everything...

Now let's see..what else's been happening last fortnight....there was another marriage in the family...got a few more coming up pretty soon...and my mum's trying to find a "nice" girl for my bro to get married to....so that could be another one. I know that's a lot of weddings, but with an extended family as huge as mine's you kinda get used to it. But the marriage was good...the usual drinks, dance and dressing routine. And at the end of it another one bites the dust.

It might be the Goa hangover, or maybe the more-than-average clubbing trips...but have been fascinated by trance ever since i've got back....downloaded a hell of a lot of albums, my i-pods flowing with trance and for some reason am downloading "Virtual DJ 5.6". I don't know what i'm gonna do with it yet..but of course i'm gonna keep you guys posted on that. Another thing that has been keeping me hooked is "South Park". The bastards kill Kenny everytime....but I love the series, and the movie was amazingly hilarious. Must watch stuff.

Have a couple more things in my mind that I wanna write about but they need dedicated posts the way i'm thinking about them for now, and because if I post two posts at the same time...one of them gets left out of the comments, i'm gonna get to that in a few days. (Just keep reminding me 'cause i'm sure i'll forget!!) Till then , take care...and here's a lil' something to keep you smiling until next time. Done with the first two, now to get to the third...gotta get some sleep...well lots of it actually, is sunday today!! Cheers!!

Everybody's Changing... And I Don't Feel The Same....

2008-02-14T17:47:00.016+05:30

I can't believe I let the dumbest post i must've ever written occupy the header position for this long..I really should've got to writing something much sooner. But that's the thing about not doing anything over a period of time...once you get used to it, it spreads over like a parasite to every single thing you're supposed to be doing. Who am I kidding?? I'm just plain ol' boring lazy. And because i've spent almost all of last month with the least amount of thinking required, i'll not be really surprised if this post knocks down my litereary skills by a few notches. Anyways it's time for me to put these thoughts buzzing around my head into alphabetic bodies and let them out. So here we go...

So it has been exactly a month since the last post...so that's one resolution i've not been living up to, writing more regularly, guess i'll have to work on that. But the past one month has been...hmmm...can't really find the right adjective here...has been amazing at times, at times has gone exceedingly bad...but the word i'm looking for here would be something akin to what a spiritualist would term "enlightning". Something about self-discovery and all that kinda stuff. It's been about new experiences, the exhilirataion of endless joy, the pain of regret...and about the unexpected, that the worse case scenarios are for real. And at this time, I can feel something's changed...in my life, not me if that's what you were hoping for. People just go through their lives looking for that moment where they feel they will be really and truly happy..and when they see an opportunity to get that perfect moment they'll do anything humanely possible to make that moment real, to seize it....and when you're living that little amount of time you've got, it's like the future and the past do not exist...nothing else's real except for that moment, you just have to have it, you crave for it's taste...and after a while when the moment is gone they'll keep it engraved in there memory, and keep looking back at it and hope that something just as good will come there way pretty soon...

And I don't know how much of what I just wrote made sense to you..but tough luck...I get to choose what I write!! Okay...i'm pretty much done with the philosophical talk, you can stop yawning now...

Last three weeks have been doing nothing but chilling out...started work this monday, new place, new people...and after such a long break, it takes a lot to get back in the groove. Had an amazing holiday...that's what I was talking about when I was blabbering on about new experiences and perfect moments and all that mumbo-jumbo. Had a couple of hit-n-run attempts by the motoring-maniacs of Delhi roads....have survived unscathed till now ( except for a bruise on my elbow...). And Delhi had been friggin' cold, but it's getting better now...but you already know that if you live here or watch the weather channel. Haven't read any new books...watched a hell of a lot of movies to discuss. Lots been happening in the world probably in the last month...but than I won't really comment on anything...i'm too politically correct and frankly my dear, I don't give a damn!! Well, atleast not today....

And today, incidentally, happens to be Valentine's Day...so Happy Valentine's Day to everybody...or the way I like to call it "Stupid-Cupid" Day. Hope all of you remembered your roses, n chocolates n stuffed toys n mushy cards....and yes i'm home..writing this blog on this evening...'cause I already had my V-day..which just shows it's not really about the date...the "14th of Feb"...it's just another ordinary day, just that we choose to make it special. Any day can be special...the stuff about special moments again. I guess I've come a full circle now, so I should wind it up for now. And hey...just for the heck of doing something interesting...with your comments let me know what you did on your Valentines'...that could be fun right? ;)

I'm So High!!

2008-01-14T00:31:00.008+05:30

Well, one resolution of the New Year is already out the window. I'm bloody drunk right now, deleting and backspacing again to pretend that I'm not as drunk as I am...and I have no idea right now how much I am succeeding at that. Maybe I'll double check in the morning...when the hangover wears off. I'll also have to check how much I've hurt myself...when I tried carrying my cousin from the car to back home on the bed and fell down, because I can't feel the pain yet. And I'll also have to check how much of a fool did I make of myself in front of all the people...and in a counter-view, figure out why I did all of that. But right now I feel GOOD....despite knowing that a hell of a lot of trouble will follow tomorrow, or rather today morning...and that is why I'm up...so I can be up and out before anybody else takes it out on me. If I sleep I'm in hell of a lot of trouble. But right now this moment...I feel light...and I'm writing...which is a first...never been drunk and written before. And this could be a collector's item...cause tomorrow morning I could take down this post declaring is at totally nonsensical. But right now I feel so damn GOOD!! :)

Ok..here's a quote...from me of course...In retrospect all good times seem to be embarrassing at some point in the future..and minimum usage of accessories is recommended while being stoned in a high velocity vehicle...because things can go really wrong!!

And I'm off tomorrow....a Monday!! :P

And I love you all...I'm drunk remember?!! ;)

Thou Shalt Read This!!

2008-01-04T04:31:00.002+05:30

Well, the new year's eve has come and gone. The first hangover of the new year has faded away. Surprisingly the mobile networks didn't get jammed up in the midnight hour...and all the mails and texts have been replied to, rather unimaginatively, I should add. (Got this one mail saying "2007 was great for me as I got married to the love of my life...hope it was same for you. If not, hope 2008 will be better"...Wtf??). And now to get to resolutions...I'm not sure if I stuck to the one I made last year..but that's not stopping me from making new ones. And you poor souls have to undergo the treacherous task of foraying through them. And since I have this weird habit of passing of really idiotic ideas for creativity...they're in the form of The Ten Commandments (Yeah..same as the bible...modified, of course!! ). Ten whole resolutions explained....so get out while you can....don't say I didn't warn you!! And in spirit of sharing that goes with the festive season, I left an extra commandment as the heading for this post...just for you. And let's get started...

THOU SHALT NOT BE JEALOUS
Pretty much self-explanatory....I will not let anybody make me jealous or get me down. The IIM-A grad friend who's three month paycheck will equal my annual renumeration, the dork in the mall with the oh-so-hot girlfriend, the bloggers (yeah..you people are here too) whose lives seem to be much more happening than mine, the cousin with his I-phone, the dog who lazes around at home all day, the guy who gets the larger slice of pizza, etc. etc....I will not be jealous or envy anyone of them. Nobody gets me down this new year. And in return (call it more of a payback!!) I'll try and do more things that make other people jealous...I know it's kinda mean, but there's some gratification in that....*evil grin*

THOU SHALT MAKE MORE FRIENDS
I need a more "happening" social life. After years of hanging around with the same bunch of people, I've realized this once they started moving out of town. I need more friends....and more importantly I need to keep these new friends around, give them a chance before declaring them weird in some way and forgetting about them. And also...I need to get to more girl friends...uhhh...let me re-phrase that, friends who belong to the female of the species, because there are some things you just can't get a guy to talk sensibly about, specially advice...n if I knew more girls I could've gone to one of those couples only New year bashes. (Any interested and interesting people, I think there's a contact me in my profile....although if you do contact me I'd think of you as a weirdo...but I'll try and go beyond that.)

THOU SHALT BE SOCIALLY RESPONSIBLE
I'm thinking it's about time I gave something back to the society...hence, the commandment. I'll not jump traffic lights when the traffic cops are around, I won't drink and drive while using public transportation, I will not litter if there are bins in a ten meter vicinity, I will get into queues for other reasons than trying to impress girls, I will spread peace..by not getting into any fights, because in all probability they end up with me paying the doc a visit...so no road-rage, no abusing people I don't know, no drunken brawls...might as well as run for President...

THOU SHALT GET A MAKEOVER
Six packs seem to be "in". Metro sexy has been "in" for much longer. And if that's what's in.. I've been out of loop. So it's makeover time. Go to the salon for more than just the monthly hair cut, take care of my skin, shave everyday, take an hour to pick out what I'm gonna wear, coordinated clothing and all, manicured finger nails, acting like a sissy et all...I'm going for it...am not shaving off my chest cause I've no plans of taking of my shirt in public anytime soon and ogling at your own body in front of the mirror falls under my definition of "perversive"...and there aren't any beaches in Delhi anyways. And I heard in this interview that SRK went ten days without food before the "Dard-E-Disco" shoot...and the chances of me starving myself like that are worse than odds of hell freezing over, so I dropped that out of the list. I'll be fit...I'll try not get a stroke eating all the burgers n fries. And I'll take the stairs to work...when the power's out and the back-up fails as well.

THOU SHALT "BE YOURSELF"
I still have to figure this one out. But I've been asked to do that a lot lately...well meant advices of course. I'll be myself (that surely means I won't change one bit..which is kinda against the motive here)...and I'll write for myself ( Yeah...I'm not writing for you!! Thpbthfffbb!!!)
*The weird word is me sticking my tongue out btw...pretty immature, I know..refer to Commandment no. 9.

THOU SHALT BE FINANCIALLY STABLE
I can picture my dad reading this and nodding his head in agreement. And as I learned from experience...money is a funny lil' thing....you can always find more ways to spend it than you can find of earning it. And there's always more to buy. So I need to work out a plan to manage my money. Get a financial planner, Hire a few accountants, invest in funds, ride the Sensex ride, prove DNA linkage to Bill Gates' inheritance, rob a bank...whatever comes first..It's all about money, honey!!
*Money makes people jealous....refer Commandment no. 1.
**More money, more friends...refer Commandment no. 2.
***Money fuels travel plans...refer Commandment no. 7.
****Money'll pay for makeover...refer Commandment no. 4...Jeez!!

THOU SHALT TRAVEL FAR AND WIDE
After a rather slow year...'08 will be the year of the traveling nomad (Ahem!! That's me...). I plan to get some traveling done in the new year and since my financial plans* don't really allow me much luxury to explore the world...I'll explore our amazing country...and if it's worse I'll explore Delhi. Either ways I'm clocking some miles. And traveling always makes for interesting reading and conversation topics.**
*Refer Commandment no. 6.
**Traveling to amazing places makes people jealous...refer Commandment no.1. And u make friends...that's no. 2.

THOU SHALT NOT GET HIGH
No..I'm not giving up drinking or anything. I'll not get high means I won't do it in the amateur-ish way I did it earlier. No more impromptu jigs, loud singing and cursing. I'll get high...it'll just be more subtle and sophisticated...Cheers!!

THOU SHALT WRITE
This means all you poor people are stuck with me for another year...and it gets worse, I'm going to be more regular, say a post a week or something, so there's more of me that you gotta bear. 52 posts of incoherent crazy thoughts...maybe more...probably less. Let's see...Oh!! And I'll write being myself and more maturely...whatever that means..

THOU SHALT ETC. ETC.
This one's a mixed bag....there were just too many things!! Thou shalt mind your own business, Thou shalt not make personal remarks on the blog, Thou shall floss every night, Thou shall get the bloody tattoo you always wanted, Thou shall love your work...or grin and bear it, Thou shall go to sleep at a saner time than 4 in the morning, Thou shall get your head checked, Thou shalt refrain from rambling on, Thou shall post smaller posts, Thou shalt buy me a large cheese dip pizza from Domino's..hey!! who wrote that in my draft??!!..Thou shall make a smaller list, Thou shall find something better to do.....

P.S. : The above statements are liable to change at any moment without prior notice and are not legally binding...Happy New Year everybody!!

Was It Santa In Town Last Night?

2007-12-24T23:34:00.006+05:30

"Ho!! Ho!! Ho!!"
- St. Nicholas a.k.a Santa Claus

"There's hoes in tha room, there's hoes in tha car..
There's hoes on stage, there's hoes by tha bar
hos by near, an hos by far"
- Ludacris in "Ho"

Times couldn't have been worse for Santa...as if it was not enough that every year less and less kids believe in his existence...he's now dealing with the moral police and has to be politically correct. No more use of the "ho" greeting anymore, unless he wants to stand up to the women's rights activists and be accused of following the hip-hop slang and using derogatory terms. I say why stop there?? He shouldn't be allowed to try and make reindeers fly for his travels..call up the PETA guys somebody!! And he makes elves do all the work for him..won't that count as exploitation of physically challenged people? Breaking and entering into houses at midnight...not really socially acceptable behaviour there either. And with that huge beard and a weird hat..the CIA will probably ground his sledge under suspicion of engaging in terrorist activities before he flies smack into a high rise...with that kinda getup, who wouldn't suspect him?? A politically and moraly correct Santa shouldn't laugh out loud, change his get up, do all his work himself and buy a jet to do his flying..and as for the gifts, Fed-Ex them or something, he can't go around breaking into our homes right?

So you're wondering what's the point i'm trying to make here...the point is life's complicated enough as it is, and then we go looking for hidden agendas in things like these...agendas that probably never exist. I wish for simpler times...times when christmas was about friends, snowfall, christmas trees and candy. Nobody cared what Santa Claus' laugh sounded like. Simpler times..when I could sing the "Ba ba b***k sheep" rhyme without sounding like a racist. The three blind mice were just that, blind mice...nobody was poking fun at the visually handicapped. I wish people would let Santa be...he's a nice guy, we believed that all these years..let's not change that now. And I wish people would believe in the good,rather than hunt around for the bad.

Merry Christmas everybody !!

Do You Remember Me??

2007-12-24T23:34:00.005+05:30

"Nothing can ever be as shocking as life. Except writing."
- Ibn Zerhani

I would like to add confusing, difficult and creative to this list as well. Life's tough..writing about it...tougher.But then I need this, cause these are the little mementoes of thought that I take out from my mind to preserve them here. And it's not like I didn't want to write all the time i've been gone..i've spent nights awake staring at the blinking cursor..but nothing really sprang up that I wanted to write about. Which is probably just as well. I like to write when I feel I need to write, follow my own humours..rather than enquire what the one who's reading wants to read. I write when I feel ther's something in my mind that needs to come out, is required to be shared..when it becomes a necessity I just can't ignore..that's when I write. But then..there's the recall value. We all crave attention. And the recall value is only as good as your last hit..and blog-wise speaking it's been a while since I made mine. That should explain the heading...if anybody remembers me, or remembers that I was gone...

Now to what's been going on while I was gone. This could get really long so i'll just run it by like the news-ticker at the bottom of your tv screen...
Works been keeping me busy, working on my last project before I take off to a new arena...but I won't elaborate on all this, the blog is about insights on life and stuff like that..never got any such vibes from work or the workplace. 3 people'll miss me, the other 124 will never know I was there. A few may even be really happy...never know.

Nidhi's wedding was on 24th November..it was fun, all the usual hooplah attached...new suits, new haircut (at the bride's insistence) . all the relatives, a little bit of responsibility thrown in. And I won't say I won't miss her...but then I can see it plain as day, she's really happy. So i'm happy.

Which brings me back to Su'...miss her more and more each day. I hate it that we have to live so far away...stupid geography. But things overall are going good...taking it to different levels as they say. We have our good times, our bad times, moments of paranoia, emotions tend to run haywire..but at the end of the day, I tell her I love her and that's what seems to matter.

Been hitting the books again, since there wasn't much writing to do so took to reading..."A thousand Splendid Suns" and "The Black Book". Simply Amazing. The first one I didn't expect much from when I started, but somewhere in the middle, Hosseini actually had me convinced that as a guy, even I could act like a bastard if I got the chance. The second one..i'm still on it..but I love the style of writing and it's got me hooked. Been reading chapters over and over to see if I missed out on anything. I love words...specially when they come together so beautifully.

Gave the big CAT on 18th morning. Was drinking beers 17th night. No comments. Period. Applying for IIM...Idiocy n Inefficiency Mandatory.And now i'll just blabber on the rest. Have been running into Docs and Dentists more than required lately and now i'm convinced of my theory that they are so nice in person because they know people are scared of them. People from my family have started bringing me wine and beers as gifts ( The beer was from Nidhi when she got back from her honeymoon!! )...so i'm out of the closet..alcoholism-wise. The lizard in my room has got a companion..I can't make out if it's a girl or guy or whatever...but i'm jealous. I still can't seem to bring myself to delete that last pic of Isha...i'm in a double minded state there..if I keep it for memory or delete it to get over her. And that's about it for now...and i'll try be more regular now on. A bit of social service messages at the end..apparently you can get arrested for keeping that naughty sms you got last night and is still in your inbox ( Welcome to India!! ) , and the drinking age is lowered to 21..so now 16 year olds will be served as well...

By the way..when does your own space cease to be your own??

Tagged..

2007-11-02T23:38:00.002+05:30

Wow!! My fisrt tag, thanks to Tania (Yeah..managed to get the name from Arunima's blog)...and i'm kinda excited about it...like some kind of initiation ritual..a "welcome to the blogger's tribe" kind of a thing. Anyways, let's cut to the chase and get to it...

1. Pick out a scar you have, and explain how you got it. : Okay, now i've got two of those, but since i got the first one when I was about 3 and don't really recall how I got it, i'll pick the other one. It's on my right wrist....and I got it while trying to heat up dinner for my roomies while being stoned drunk. It's a burn mark rather, but that still counts as a scar...I think...I'm so gonna suck at this...

2. What does your phone look like? : It's a Nokia 6233..black with a silver rim...it's more of your conventional shape, not really sleek or slim, but it still looks good. The features more than make up for the looks.

3. What is on the walls of your bedroom? : This would've been much more interesting if I was back home. Here, The only thing on the walls are the electrical sockets, light fixtures and there was this lil' lizard that shares my room, must be someplace around..oh yeah, there it is , on the ceiling...

4. What is your current desktop picture? :

5. Do you believe in gay marriage? : Believe?? That makes it sound like we're discussing ghosts or something. Two people in love getting married, that's perfectly okay with me regardless of sexual orientations. So i'm all for it.

6. What do you want more than anything right now? : Right now I really want that Su' would be here with me in Delhi....or me being with her, either way works... *sigh*

7. Are your parents still together? : Yes

8. . Last person who made you cry? : That would be me....I know it won't really make sense, but I made myself cry, because of what I did and what I thought...

Man...this is so gonna make me look like a wuss!!

9. What is your favorite perfume/cologne? : Boss Number Six by Hugo Boss

10. What are you listening to? : "Painted On My Heart" by The Cult

11. Do you get scared of the dark? : No. I think I like dark, I think much more clearly then....with no distractions. I do get kinda edgy walking alone in dark alleys at night. But even then, it's not the dark that i'm scared of.

12. Do you like pain killers? : Like them?? I don't like them..they do help out in pain, but like them..i don't think so.

13. Are you too shy to ask someone out? : Not too shy... I can ask a girl out, but then it's not like I can ask out girls I don't even know. And now I think i've made a mess out of the whole question...

14. If you could eat anything right now, what would it be? : Chocolate Ice cream with loads of gooey chocolate syrup and chocolate sprinkles on top...basically it's all chocolate :P

15. Who was the last person who made you mad? : The guy behind the counter at Mcdonald's. I mean seriously, how can it take half an hour to get a burger and coke??

16. Who was the last person who made you smile? : Su' on the YM 5 minutes back.... did I hear someone say cliche' ??

17. Is someone in love with you? : Yes....and very much so *gets that dreamy look in his eyes* :)

I hope somebody atleast makes it till the end without falling asleep. I really hope I didn't get too boring....and if I did, c'mon it's just my first tag!!

And now my turn to do some tagging....this could be tough considering there're only 6 people who both blog and visit my blog by my last count...and two of them already have been tagged. Anyways I tag Adi, Arch and Su' (Yeah hun..you've been tagged!!)...and anybody else who feels like it.

And i'll sign off until the next time the "voices in my head" start acting up again...Ciao!!

Tell It To Me Now...

2007-10-30T00:18:00.008+05:30

Tell it to me now...
I can see it in your eyes what you won't say out loud.
Tell it to me now...
Before the silence wraps the night in its shroud.

I can feel the anguish in the air,
The screams, The pain, The flowing tears,
That hide behind this fake smile.
Tell it me now...
Let me into your secrets, maybe just for a while.

There's something missing in that laugh,
Isn't bubbling over like it used to,
You just try too hard to make it justify your tears.
Tell it to me now...
I'm here tonight, tell me about your fears.

Tell it to me now...
I can see it in your eyes.
Tell it to me now...
Just give up on all the lies.
Tell it to me now...
Before we say our goodbyes.
Tell it to me now....

P.S: For all those nice people who get concerned about anything mildly disturbing I write...this is a total work of fiction. No resemblance or connections to my life anywhere. But it's nice knowing you care and all. Until next time...Take care and enjoy the festive season!!

Cruising At The Speed Of Mind.

2007-10-30T00:18:00.007+05:30

For all of you who were patient enough to have kept tuned in till now...i'm back!! And i'm not insulting your intelligence in any way, I know you got that from the previous post...but sometimes a man just gets the need to announce his arrival. And i'm surprised to see that the post i'd put least amount of thought into has got me the most comments. ( There's something a bit ironic about it..but then, im not complaining.)

Cruising at the speed of mind....that's just another fancy way of saying i'm going to jot down random non-sensical thoughts from memory. But atleast it's a bit creative..

Love as always, is the only thing keeping me sane all this while. Even if it hurts sometime, it does that in it's sweet special way. And to contradict my previous post,that's the only while that I love taking decisions. *Ahem!! i hope certain people are paying attention to this part* ;)

Diwali's around the corner now. And i really, really, really...okay, i see you got the point..want to be home for the festival. Cause I never have been away from home for Diwali and I really have no intentions to break up that tradition now. Home-coming of the prodigal son...now that seems to fit the occasion..

Nidhi's wedding's around the corner. The cards are here, the arrangements are being made..and all of the other things. And i'm really happy, but it also makes me realise how time passes. Seems just like yesterday, when we used to spend holidays together..getting into mock fights, lots of ruckus, yelling parents...the kind of havock only four hyper bored-to-death kids can bring upon a house...wait a minute, that was yesterday. Was at another cousin's place for a family do few days back..and it seemed kinda weird...people you've seen a lot of as kids themselves now at a different point of life, with kids of their own. Time is passing us by...

Joined this blogger community on Orkut the other day out of sheer curiousity....and unjoined exactly 43 minutes later. Actually there was this thread, "Rate My Blog"...so i thought i'd check it out, and For my thing here I got a 7 out of 10, which was more than I expected..that's not what made me unjoin. It was the comment this guy had written. "Cool design. Nice colour. Definite 7". That's when i realise i'm not really open to being judged, especially if that's how they do it. I'm not looking for a hundred hits a week or 50 comments to a post. I don't want to be on a blogroll. I would never ask anybody I know to go read my blog, if you find it wih the little link i've given you, that's ok. This is my little sanctuary where I can let my thoughts out...a place for myself. But don't take all those "dont's" seriously..after all,everybody loves appreciation.

And as the grand finale' at the end of the post...i'm going to unravel the great mystery..the question that everybody seems to have asked...."What did I have for breakfast on Isha's b'day??". Well we had to get he car serviced that day, so we were out pretty early...and for breakfast I was literally beating down the doors of KFC at 9 in the morning. AND i had a Zinger burger(with cheese, just in case youre wondering), chicken strips (I remember because they were a total rip-off) and a 7up to down it all with. Really sorry about the graphic details of the meal but I get that way with food. But I really wouldn't recommend it to anybody..gives you a heart burn around noon. ;)

A Matter Of Choice...

2007-10-30T00:18:00.006+05:30

People tell me i'm an unreasonable man. I tell them it's not me....but the choices I make however, are.

Choices. Decisions. Actions. Welcome to adulthood. You're now grown up. And if you're not grown up yet and i'm spoiling the image of Utopia you thought you'd be entering when you'd hit a magical age...i'm sorry for doing this, but all i'm asking is don't get your hopes too high. And that it's not anything that bad, you do get to do lot of fun stuff once you grow up....once you're done taking all the choices and made the decisions. I was like you. I wanted to grow up and taste the sweet freedom that it brought along. Now all I do is reminsce about "The good old days". The only sweet taste I get is from the alcohol hitting the system, which is sad because all i'm doing is blocking away reality. And the part about the freedom has some real shrewd fine print attached to it that'd probably read something like this.."You're now, at this point of life supposed to take a decision, think about it a lot, because it could shape your future..and after you've done that select one of four pre-determined choices..because then there are some things you might think up that are just not acceptable....but still, atleast you're free to choose!!" So the freedom part is okay as long as you're not pissing somebody off..which is an art in itself...we'll discuss it sometime later.

Now, as if all of that wasn't bad enough..it gets worse. It turns out that there is a sadistic part of me that thinks it's really interesting to make the worse of choices and then watch me wriggle my way out of them...like it's testing out my stamina to survive all the bad decisions it makes ( Well, actually it's me who does all that...but it's easier for my conscience to blame a schizo-evolved alter ego persona). And i'm surviving, maybe not the best of ways to live..but I stick by what I chose for myself. My life, My rules..n some other machoistic BS like that would be the right thing to say here at this point. But i'm gonna try something different.

I like my life complicated. That way you don't need TV to kill time.

Maybe it's not a gem..but that's me. I made that choice.

It's Ok, It's All Good.

2007-10-07T06:28:00.006+05:30

"Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t."

If Baz was serious while saying this, then i'm probably the most interesting guy you'll ever now. They say admitting it is the first step to solution,and my dad will be relieved that i've finally realized this...I don't have a plan for my life. Don't get me wrong here, I do have ceratin set goals for myself, things I'd like to see myself do...but (borrowing a quote from Vin Diesel of all people here!!) I live my life a quarter of a mile at a time. If anybody asked me where I see myself five years from now, I'd be clueless. I am more clear about what i'd want to do tomorrow...or by the time I hit forty,but that's more of a wishlist. I seem to have set an expiration date on everything I have for now...I have no clue about how long anything will last. And I have no clue about how I got where I am now. And that bothers me....has got me in all kinds of mood swings all week long.

I am getting sick of people asking me about my name and it's religious inclinations. Anant Seam...yes, I realize it's an unusual family name but that's the way it is. From the teller at the bank to the guard at work has asked me this, "Seam?? So what religion is that?". Does it even matter??
And Kenny is not a pseudonym i've adopted to sound cooler...that's what i've been called as far back as I remember, and probably beyond that. And i'm frankly bored of answering this over and over....people, I tell you...

Realized that it doesn't much to get me depressed. But the good thing is, it doesn't take much to get me ridiculously happy either..

Saw "Bourne Ultimatum" on tuesday...and it was as awesome as I expected. Was almost thrown out of Subway outllet in CP (Intrigued?? Well, maybe i'll explain if u ask). Started working out this week yet again (i've lost count of number of failed attempts), this time 'cause i'm tired of people telling me how I don't look 22(??). Four days into it and with the pains setting in, i'm having second thoughts now...if I look younger than I am, that's a good thing right??

Well, the week's over and it's sunday again. And as you would have guessed, I don't have any plans for today either. But I'll get something out of it. It's all ok. It's all good.

Afterthought...

2007-10-07T06:28:00.005+05:30

It's Isha's birthday today...I just realized that. And now i'm probably going to be down all day long,I won't really be sulking about it cause of Su', I have her now...but like she tells me, you can never totally forget anybody close to you. And somewhere deep down, it still hurts...but I think that's as close to closure i'll ever get.
Memories and emotions...amazing how we tend to love and hate these things so much corresponding to our state of mind. Anyways, I should stop now..'cause this isn't really serving any rational purpose. I just need a good breakfast and some good tunes to cheer me up...it doesn't take much to make me happy, remember?? ;)

Of Raindrops, Casablanca And Mushy Messages.

2007-10-01T01:24:00.002+05:30

Since people have been asking me this a lot since my last post on friday...yes, I did manage to get some sleep after that..no, I don't need to see a doc, atleast not for now(Or do I??).The past couple of mornings have been the way mornings are supposed to be....the sunlight wakes you up, instead of you waiting for the sun to rise so that you can just get on with the day..And I feel like some sanity's been restored.

It rained friday evening. And I took a walk in the rain after a really long time...all the way from the metro to back home.Well, at first I was apprehensive about it seeing how it was really pouring down...the fifty odd people waiting at the station couldn't be wrong, right? But after a few moments of contemplation I stepped out. And that's all it takes...the first step. There's something that inextricable about being out in the rain.After that I didn't really care about how wet I got(I, however was worried about how wet my cell would get!!)One look at the faces behind me. .some envious, some thinking i'd lost it, some aunties nodding disapprovingly..and I was on my way. There's something about being out in the rain, it brings out a whole collage of emotions. You feel free, rebellious and ecstatic all at the same time. And it gets the kid inside you to come out for those moments...splashing in the puddles still feels damn awesome!!
"Raindrops keep fallin' on my head
But that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turnin' red
Cryin's not for me
'Cause I'm never gonna stop the rain by complainin'
Because I'm free
Nothin's worryin' me...." :)

Was getting really bored this morning so saw CASABLANCA for the umpteenth time, though it had been a while since i'd last seen it. And I still love the movie, there's something totally enchanting about black n' white movies. The brilliant potrayals by Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman, the superb supporting cast, a captivating display of human emotions and some of the most memorable quotes ever...Little wonder it's an all time classic. Here's looking at you, kid...

6 days. 192 messages. And a reply to each one of them.That's in addition to all the talks Su' and I have been having. And each one proving to be amazingly efficacious. That's the beauty of being in love...you can never get enough of that one person. You always know there's that one person out there who you can turn to anytime of the day or night and she's there for you....and it's okay to say how lonely you are. And most surprising of all,I can say some desperately stupid stuff and it still somehow turns out to be cute....And maybe now i'm getting too mushy, might as well as clam up!!

P.S: Speaking of doing things for the umpteenth time, am reading Douglas Adams' "Hitchhiker" again....another timeless piece that never seems to lose it's charm. And failed to read Stephen Hawking yet again...some things just aren't meant to be!!
P.P.S: The year's new recruitments are in at work..and the all guy quartet has sadly been broken up....not exactly broken up, just that we've a girl in the team now. And Abhi and J are already planning on hitting on her, but we didn't put bets up like last time(Hallejulah!!). Some things never change...*sigh*..

Memoirs Of An Insomniac...

2007-09-28T01:16:00.016+05:30

Thursday night. My home. 26 Hours and still counting....

11:15 PM: 26 hours. That's how long it's been since I had my last nap. I haven't had anything close to sleep for much longer than that....four and a half days to be exact. Since then all I've had can only be termed as naps. The last I slept soundly was on saturday night. That was probably because I drank like a fish that night.Drank like a fish....I wonder who came up with that?? Just because fishes live in water doesn't necessarily mean they drink it all day, does it? What happens if they have to take a leak? Do they go in the water they live in or do they mark out any areas or anything?? Maybe there's something on the net about that. That's the trouble when you don't get enough sleep....you lose all clarity in thoughts. Or you dish out some real pearls of wisdom, like Al Pacino or Christian Bale did in their representations of insomniacs on the celluloid. But they both also did die in the end...i'd rather spout nonsense than die. Chad Kroeger's crooning to Santana's guitar. Love the song. "Into the night"..that's my latest ringtone. And that's my mum calling. And she asks me to go to sleep early. Parent's can be eerily psychic at a lot of times. I tell her I will....I tell myself i'm lying. I go back to the movie i'm watching. It's "Knocked Up"...I can't believe it made it to all time top 250 on IMDB. It's about a guy who's scared of commitment and having responsibilty of a kid. What's new in that? Hey! That dude with the long beard reminds of someone....
12:30 AM: It's a new day. The movie credits are rolling and no sign of drowsiness. I think of calling up Nipun. He'll be up all night too, just like me. For the records he's not into insomnia...it's his job timings that've turned him nocturnal. Otherwise I think he could sleep anytime you'd ask him to. I think i'll call him later, save it until i'm really bored. I take the Blogthings quizzes instead. They're amusing for a while, and I find out that if I was one of the X-men i'd be Mystique, which is cool except it's a girl...I was hoping more like Wolverine or something. And that i have lived 32% of my life, am marriage material, have medium commitment issues and other nonsense like that. I leave when the quiz titled "What fruit would you be?? " pops up...
1:45 AM: Nipun calls up. He's just as doggoned bored as I am, as we've been the last few months. Our conversations probably sum it up. Here's a sample...
"Nipun: Hey..what's happening??
Me: Nothing much. Just sitting around, doing nothing..."
This is followed by idle talk about what's on tv or some movie or songs., followed by thirty seconds of silence. And then,
"Me: So..what's happening?
Nipun: Nothing much. Just sitting around, doing nothing.."
Two bored souls trying to kill time..and failing miserably. Nipun took the X-men quiz too. Turns out he'd be Shadow-Cat. So we both'd be girls...neither one of us is happy. There's something wrong with the site....
2:30 AM: I switch on the TV to see what's on. Tele-marketing infomercials, re-runs of evening shows and B-grade Hollywood movies. So much for late night viewership. Seems like only people who watch television this late are either going bald or are overweight or need to learn english from a guy who reminds me of Santa Claus. HBO's showing Friday the 13th Part 9. It would've scared the crap out of me if I was 8, after that i'd find it funny..now I just feel sorry. I really feel sorry for Jason. Its not enough that he died in High School and has to wear a goalie mask for a face..Wes Craven had to inflict more pain on him and on us by making him re-appear in 8 sequels...
3:15 AM: I'm craving for a smoke right now. But it's been a month since my last ciggie and i'm not going back now. So I settle for a coffee instead. Caffeine for nicotine...a bad choice considering my situation, but i've always been a sucker for rhymes. And if any kids are reading this, Don't do drugs and don't smoke...that'll be my social service for the day. It's funny, but a mug of coffee seems to be a symbol of a man about to get into action, it gets you in that groove. It's like a guy walking with a full mug of hot coffee is saying "Yes!! I'm getting on with a lot of work...and this magical connoction will guide me through it." Batman probably has a coffee thermos tucked in somewhere in his utility belt. The bad guys would take Superman even more seriously if he took a large swig from a cup of black coffee before going "UP,UP AND AWAY"...cause then they'd know he's really serious about kicking their ass, he just had a cup of coffee loaded with caffeine. I need to get some sleep...
4:10 AM: The caffeine's kicked in. And i'm still bored. Bored and wide awake. I try listening to some songs which helps for a while until the fourth track starts. Strange how a song can stifle your breath and stab you through the heart. Ok, maybe i'm exaggerating...what I mean is bring back memories. Songs do that. Arch says i'm too nice a person, I wonder how good a thing that is. Am I really nice?? Am I too nice? Su' says that I try too hard to show i'm tough but inside i'm a softie. That's another way of saying I put up a tough exterior because i'm an emotional wreck inside. Maybe that's why I don't sleep...
5:30 AM: I've just spent the last hour and a half staring at the ceiling...thinking about stuff ranging from god, religion, girls, love, music and scrambled eggs ( that's what I plan on having for breakfast and the hunger pains are kind of setting in!!). The sunlight's started to creep in. Another night gone...
8:00 AM: I've been really early to work all week long for obvious reasons. Insomnia brings a hallucinatory quality to your days. Everything happens in slow motion, like in a dream...and the line between reality and dreams gets thinner than ever. Still an hour before work starts. I could catch up on the blog. It's been a while now. I've got my mug of coffee, I'm a man ready for action....

Friday morning. My cubicle. 35 Hours and counting....

Deep In Thought/Crazy Ramblings.

2007-09-28T01:16:00.015+05:30

That, beside being my Orkut nick for the month, has also been my state of mind for quite some time now. So i'll just be writing out random thoughts out next. Some of it may be taken as advice, some of it may be my view point, some of it may just be randomly obnoxious thoughts. But it's my blog, so I do get some priviliges....

- Never judge anybody's intelligence, and don't let anybody judge yours. Always take your own decisions, so that if you're seventy and not happy about how your life turned out, you know who to blame. Don't let alumni tags, corporate logos or hefty pay packages intimidate you. Never do anything just because you feel everybody else's doing it. Be comfortable with who you are and what you do, the world's a much better place that way.

- Love happens..
Love happens to the most unassuming people at the most unassuming of times..
With love around, a heartbreak's just around the corner...
You can never fall out of love, you just learn to live with it...
It's never to early to fall in love again.

- Life will always suck if you look at it in totality. That's why it's called the real world. Bad people will do bad things and get away with them. Good people will spend their lives paying taxes, raising children and chasing dreams....and there's no such thing as a Tooth Fairy. The trick here is to dissect a lifetime into little moments and making sure you get the most out of them.

- If you get really expressive physically or vocally while listening to music, then listening to music on your earphones in public places can lead to embarrasing moments, like some of us find out the hard way....and no, you don'talways look as cool as you think you do. If you do, you're in a minority of the few lucky ones...

- Try observing a girl travelling along by any means of public transportation ( The Metro in my case). It seems to me while they do that they only have two expressions..it's either one that looks like they're really pissed off or a total blank stoned look. I understand how they get the stoned look, even I get that when i'm really bored. It's the "pissed off" expresion that had me confused. Initially I wondered if they were just mad because they had to travel alone or was it some PMS thing? But after some thought I think i've figured it out..it's to keep unwanted guys at bay. It's like a warning thing....a signal for "I hate guys coming up to me and bothering me while I travel alone." Which I think is totally fair..guys can get really irritating at times, like I am being right now...I hope this didn't sound sexist or anything. For the record, I love girls!!

- India won the T20 World cup!! No i'm not making any newsflashes..just expressing my joy....and shock, and maybe a bit of amazement. But the final was an awesome game, and showed what exactly makes Cricket the wonderful sport that it's put up to be...and how emotional I still can get while watching it. I was probably ten degrees beyond crazy after the last ball...

- And I just have to stop reading these other blogs. They make my life seem so dull and boring, mostly because the blogs I read belong to people still in college..and that's when we really do have most fun. And if people read this blog please do write in comments sometime so I know you're here...

"Spirit"ual nights.

2007-09-28T01:16:00.014+05:30

Never drink too much. Never get too high. If I could pass on one piece of advice that would be it. But then on saturday nights, after a certain point, there's no such thing as being too drunk or being too high. Once you lose track of how much you're drinking....You lose it all. Your senses, your memory,your judgement and in all probability the money in your pocket. If you ever intend on getting stoned drunk...make sure there's a sober person around or lock yourself up insisde your home and go to sleep. That's something I now wished we'd done.

Saturday night. THE night. Started out as fun, ended as a total mystery. That's the thing when you get too stone drunk. Next day you get all these tell tale signs that you've had a lot of fun, more fun than you'd ever have sober....but you can't recall anything of it. It's like knowing you've had a meal at the best joint in town, you've the bill to show for it...but you'll never recall what it tasted like. And that irks you for a long while. The main reason you get the calling to have a lot of fun when you're drunk is that you lose all your inhibitions...the child in you comes out, a bit unstable but it's there. You do all the things you want to do but didn't because you were scared of what the people would think. But then there's this down side to it all...which rears it's head a few hours later. Junkie limbo as they call it. You can't feel anything, you won't remember anything. And next morning you wake up with a massive headache and wonder what did you do last night. You just have these flashes and you try to arrange them in an order. I'm still trying to figure out how I got these bruises, why my phone number's scrawled all across my jeans, how I got home and where did all my money go...and I don't think i'll ever find out. What happens on saturday night stays in saturday night...

Not Ready To Make Nice..

2007-09-28T01:16:00.013+05:30

"Honesty is the best policy."
:- Ancient saying, now an endangered school of thought...

It's not easy doing the right thing in this world today...and in these times we live in. You must be wondering what brought me about to pass that judgement so I should get to it. This was about ten days back. I'm on my way back home, I get off at the Metro Station and while on my way to the elevator I spot a wallet lying near the seating area. So putting up my most inconspicuous look, I pick it up and mosey through it. 175 bucks, an ID card of some college, Bus pass and a Metro card. Now just like in one of the cartoons, my good and bad side are whispering out in my ear. Finally I decide to return the wallet. Mainly because im a good guy....and the girl in the pic of the ID was kinda cute. No, wait...THAT was the main reason, i'm no good guy or anything. So I call up the number given and tell her that i'm depositing her wallet with the metro people. The Metro guys take it after interrogating me like i'd stolen the thing, not returning it and making me write out a statement that i'd taken nothing from the wallet...so much for trust!!

Later on in the evening I get a call...it's the "wallet" girl's dad. And he asks me if I took out a few hundred bucks out before I'd returned the thing. Apparently, someone had gone through the wallet before i'd got to it. That's where I lost it. He tried to salvage the situation by saying something about it was nice to have honest people around but the damage was done. The whole feeling of having done the right thing for once had totally disappeared. And hence the observation about how tough it is to do the right thing out here. The next time anything like this happens i'm taking the money and treating myself. Or maybe I won't. The whole thing about what goes around comes around might hold true...even though I seriously doubt it.

The Truth About Death.

2007-08-23T19:38:00.005+05:30

Funny died last friday. Funny, for the record, was my aunt's dog (and now, if you're wondering why it has got me writing about him..well, after five years with the guy I did get attached to the lil' guy). And no, this is not going to be an eulogy about how great he was, eventhough he was, but you don't want to read about that. This is about the the day he died, gasping for air while I sat with him on my lap waiting for the vet to see him. I think I knew he wouldn't make it before it even struck, maybe we all did....but to see him give up after fighting for his last breath, the whole scene..it was the first time i've seen anybody die..and it sure did change a lot of perceptions I had about death....

Before this, I took it as a matter of fact..you live and then you die. And maybe I was a bit too cocky about it being young, knowing it isn't going to happen to me anytime soon as long as I don't live on the edge. Earlier, the only places I had seen death was where? In movies, read about it in books, heard about it in songs?? The picture about death there is so wrong, because those guys put out emotions on the front..or they take them away completely. Death is either total,raw carnage or they have this really poigant take on it....which in turn brought me to associate a kind of romanticism to the whole concept of death. But, then it hit me like a brick wall..it's all so wrong. Death's nothing like that. It's ugly...ugly and ruthlessly painful. There's life and then in a moment it all just blanks out, like somebody just yanked out your power chord. And by the way, as I see it, the last moment you have, I wouldn't think about people I love, or about the things I could've done with my life...it's all going to boil down to just one last thought,"I wish i could live some more. I don't want to die..."

Sweet Dreams...

2007-08-23T19:38:00.004+05:30

She had this dream nestling in her eyes....
Cocooned,
Awaiting to come true..

And then a tide rose up in her mind,
A flood full of emotions.
All engulfed in a single drop...
And it splattered on the floor,
Leaving behind it's sting...

And as the blur wore out,
She couldn't escape the irony of it all.
Sweet dreams turned to salt....

A Place Called Home...

2007-08-11T20:48:00.014+05:30

A couple of weeks back i got to go back home to Shimla after a really long gap ( Well, 10 months won't really cut it for a really long gap for most people, but by my usual standards it is. ) . Unfortunately, it wasn't a really long trip, and to be honest , it didn't really settle in as it used to earlier. It seems the whole place has metamorphised into this completely new place that I just don't recognise anymore..and worse, it's home but still i feel like a stranger being out there. Of course, home is still good ol' home..and I still know the place like the back of my hand. But somwhere deep inside, there's this sense of non- belonging, that the people just don't know me anymore and they couldn't care less. So now here I am, wondering if it's time I start calling Delhi my home, but then that's what makes me realise, Shimla is still the only place that I can go to without any inhibitions, a place where I can be myself, a place where i'm always welcome. So, there's still one place I'd call home....

Btw,there were a couple of incidents on the trip I could share with you. So here goes!!

Well, the first one happened on the first day itself. My mum really wanted to me to make a trip to this temple while I was home, and being the long trip that it is I thought i'd get it over with as soon as possible. So, after a lot of huffing and puffing over the hill I got there. Now, I'd planned to take some pics on my camera of the really amazing view from the top once I got there, which gave me a slight motivation to make the trip. So after the usual stuff, I thought i'd get some pics..so I amble over to this garden at the back, only to stumble upon a couple, deep in the enthroes of love, oblivious to everything, so I beat a hasty retreat, disgruntled about not getting the pics. (That, by the way, was the best view!!! ). And then I turned to the terrace, only to have the same scene repeated.....and like a sad movie re-run, again, when I went to the other side. So, there I was, after a steep climb, and still without any pics. After waiting for about fifteen minutes, I decided to call it a day and walked back home. Now that I think about it, I don't know who to feel more sorry for. There's me, who didn't get any pics after all the anticipation. Then there's the temple priest, vowed to celibacy and having to watch all these lovelorn couples, must be kind of frustrating, it'd be for me!! But I guess, it'd have to be the couples themselves...having to come up all that way just to get some time alone to themselves. Now there's one guy who can truly say "For you Baby, I climbed the highest mountain..."

Now, the second one happens during the trip back. On my way back, my cousin calls me up to pick up some wine and cider for him (Ok!! Who am I kidding? It was for me too...) . So I do that and put the "stuff" in my bag. Later at the next stop, Lady Luck shines and this cute girl gets on and gets the seat next to me. So, we got talking and strike up a conversation to kill time up until Chandigarh where we' were supposed to change. And when we're getting off, this girl is standing next to me waiting for me to come so we can catch the next bus, and that was the exact moment my bag's zipper gives away and all the booze comes tumbling out....a six-pack and a couple of bottles of wine. I've never seen anybody disappear faster, she did mumble something about making a call though..... Not that I blame her or anything...

Island To Tree

2007-08-11T20:48:00.013+05:30

I feel like an island today...
No one understands things my way,
I was raised were each one was an island.

All problems were kept to self,
The only solutions were good if they
Came from some corner of your own shelf.

My island is flooded,
By waters that come in...
And I have no boat
To hold myself in.

What purpose do I serve in writing?
Hasn't everyone heard my story before?
I am strong and I am weak,
I have wants and I have needs...

I need to tell my story..
I want to let it be.
Becuase today I may be an island.
Tomorrow perhaps a tree...

Quotes...

2007-08-11T20:48:00.012+05:30

I'm guessing all of you out there have already read this stuff out on my Orkut pro, but well it's stuff i wanted to post on my blog to preserve it out....

"I tell you again it doesn't apply,
Death or Life or Life or Death,
Cause living it up is upto you...
I know I've got to use words to talk,
But until you understand what they mean,
They are nothing to me and they're nothing to you..."

"Man probably made movies to show God that he could create heaven , hell and the essence of life...all on a white screen in a black room."

"There are so few ways in which we can be good, we can all be bad in a totally unique way. Good is cliche', too predictable...if there were no bad guys, there'd be no good guys. Without any good guys, we'd all be bad guys anyways. So Honey, good ain't worth it...Love the bad guy, it's much more fun!!"

The last one most of you haven't read, that was up on Valentine's Day this year....So atleast there's something new.

The Thinker

2007-08-11T20:48:00.011+05:30

This is really going to sound oxymoronic as you read on further, but lately i've just been wondering why we think so much about things? And I don't mean to downplay our abilities to think, it's one of the greatest gifts we've got, to analyse, contemplate and to plan our lives out. If I had to take a guess though, we don't really do that as often as we say we do. The kind of thoughts i'm talking about here, the ones that run through our minds most of the times, are the kind that blindside you at the strangest of places when it is least required. In a middle of a presentation, in the middle of the night when you should really be trying to sleep, while watching television, on a lazy sunday afternoon..it could be basically anytime, any place.....when out pops this totally irrelevant, almost nonsensical thought that has no business being there in the first place, and it probably won't be worth anything to you in a significant kind of time. It'll just wither away with time. And then, your whole train of thoughts gets sidetracked.

And i'm thinking right now that most of you who read this should identify with what i'm saying. But don't fret or mull over this article, do spare a thought but not for too long, cause the mind can work in funny ways..and then when you least expect it, you could be thinking about what i wrote back there. Then you'll know what I was talking about....

A Mad, Manic Month.

2007-08-11T20:48:00.010+05:30

After a really long hiatus, and probably after running out of all possible alibis I could think of to curb down this "Writer" alter-ego of mine....this really feels good, to be back writing again after a real long gap. And if anybody out here was missing me, you probably need to get some more interesting pursuits.... Just Kidding!!

It's ben a real roller-coaster of a month, and looking back in retrospect, either it's me who's going crazy or the world is. Because the more I try and make sense of all the things happening, the more I am preplexed about it all. The "Why's" and "How's" are still still hanging over my head like the Damocles' swords, questions that won't go away unsatiated. But eventhough life's been all erratic and well to put it simply, weird at times....there's still a lot i've learnt, like how lives can change in seconds, how I feel at times that all my life i've been lied to and only now that I know the world to I get to see the truth..and that it's not always pretty. That at times how necessary it can be to lie, that maybe there's more to me than I think I am. And that there's this thing called love that we've got, that somehow in the middle of it still manages to rear up its head time after time again. And there could be a lot more, every day brings something along.

But most important thing I probably learned is that I can't stay away from this place too long....it beckons to some part of me that craves to write. It doesn't know what might turn up in this head of mine..but it wants to write. It's great to be back....

What Do Women Want??

2007-06-28T06:59:00.003+05:30

The question is as old as time itself. Generations of men have squandered their lifetimes thinking of an accurate answer to this query, and have failed time after time again. Even the great Sigmund was stumped by this one (Or so they say....but i'm pretty sure he must have been!!). So, just out of curiosity...and to kill some time, I decided to put up this question in "Yahoo Answers:, just to see the people's replies...and there were quite a few interesting ones. Still, the mystery shrouds the enigma that is the woman's mind, but the answers do make for a good reading....so presenting the best picks from the lot...

"How about to be treated well, and regarded as individuals rather than being lumped together in a group that includes more than half the population? Just a thought. "

"Man, if I could tell you that, I would be superman."

"We want guys to love us a lot but we also need our own space, besides that i really want a double scoop jello mello ice-cream."

"For men to leave us the hell alone when we are trying to dance with our friends...For men to stop being babies and over sensitive and cry at movies....For men to stop going to the same salon we go to, to get facials....-growls-For men to stop spending more money on their hair products than they do on a car payment...BE MEN...STOP BEING OVERLY DRAMATIC DRAMA QUEENS WHO ARE "FEMININE"......BE MEN!!! REMEMBER MEN, SMELL THE MOTOR OIL DEAR...! "

"Women want to be love by someone who loves them.for who they are and not what they have to offer.Cause most women are just as lovely on the inside as they are on the outside.so don't take us women for granted."

"Women wants a person who loves, respect them, and also treats them nice. A women doesn't want a lazy, liar,cheater, and a man without a job. We want someone who knows how to treat us, comfort us ,and at the same time please us. we want to be treated like women not animals. sometimes queens. TREAT US HOW YOU WANT TO BE TREATED. "

"All women are different but atleast for me...honesty, respect, affection, attention, someone to have fun with and oh and the sex has to be good!"

AND HERE'S PRESENTING THE PIE'CE DE RE'SISTANCE. The one I thought to be the most amusing of the lot....

"When you get this figured out please share it. I am 62 and have been married for 37 years and I still don't have a clue. To make matters even more confusing I raised 6 daughters and I still don't have a clue. But sometimes I have noticed that when they are unhappy over something they are usually fairly happy. "

Well, the judgement is clear...men have no specific idea about what women want. And the worst part is neither do the women. But that just adds to the fun of it all, doesn't it??

P.S. : Now, seriously..What do women want??

Reality Bites..

2007-06-26T11:21:00.016+05:30

Before signing out, if any of you guys reading this blog of mine ( I hope there are some of those!!) are wondering why I don't ever post any incidents or happenings from my everyday life out here...The reason is perfectly simple. My life is a drag, as boring as it could probably get (I hope!!). So if you want any readings from my life, from what it's like to be me.....pray that something interesting happens to me that I feel like writing about. Till then, read on the bits and pieces I've coined together.

She's all that...

2007-06-26T11:21:00.015+05:30

I wonder if I really should be doing this, but in my 22 year old life, I never have really made sense...even to myself, so I think I will, eventhough I know she will probably read this real soon, might even be the first one to do so. But she's special, and if she knows that it's all the more better. It's amazing how, over the last few months, from two people totally unknown to each other, it's transformed to this ...where I can't really go without talking to her for a while, and when I do it feels wonderful, like the world makes sense again. And when I don't I really miss her. And I love it when she says that she misses me. ...gives you that mushy, cuddly feeling I , frankly, gave up on some time ago. But all of the love and joy she spreads is the kind you yearn for, the kind you get used to....and I guess it gets you addicted. I'm still holding my ground, i'm still on my feet, 'cause i know the road,the signals and the direction...But she'll be special to me.
She'll always be my "Red Riding Hood". :)

P.S.: If you're reading this....waiting for you really sucks!! But you already know that....

Just A Thought.

2007-06-26T11:21:00.014+05:30

Love and Hate don't ever need a reason to exist....
Neither does insanity.

Huh??

2007-06-26T11:21:00.013+05:30

Well, once again the idiocy gets to me. The "Sunday Times' edit page was screaming it out loud...how we, as a society plagued with hypocrisy, have managed to transform sex from a three letter word to a building block for all the evils that haunt us today, to this devil never to be spoken of. From the people protesting against M F Hussain using nudity in his artistic works to some minister in MP asking to enforce a ban on some "vibrating condoms" because he thinks it's degenerative to the society, the message is loud and clear. Sex is something never to be heard or talked about, never mind that there are a billion and more of us out there (wonder how that came about to be??). Outside of our bedrooms, we are all supposed to behave like stoic purist virgins, condemning anything that has even got a hint of any sexual innuendo, scoffing our disapproval at anything that goes against our "culture". But really, these guys must really think that our thinking abilities must be amazingly degenerative or that we are stupidly gullible...that can be the only reason that they're implying that all this no-frills-sex talk is destroying our "culture". If a culture is made out of such weak moral fibre that a sketch of two girls about to kiss (Yeah..the LEE Straight Jeans campaign was banned too!!) or a stupid condom can shake it's roots, I wonder if it's a culture worth fighting for. And I, as a rationale, thinking, human being feel violated. Plato said "Give me the power to think, but also give me the freedom to be heard". Moreover wasting time and media space over such trivial issues doesn't make sense when there are much graver things to think about. If you want stricter punishments for rapists and paedophiles, or stop illegal sex trafficking, or do something about prevention of AIDS , or come up with something to control the population, I'm all for that.....now,that would make sense to me. But to insinuate that pleasure has got nothing to do with sex.....c'mon!!!

Days Go By...

2007-06-26T11:21:00.012+05:30

I sub conciously always knew this would happen someday, or perhaps it's been years since this happened, it's only that the realisation has dawned upon me now (glory be!!) ...but it seems i've lost all sense of time. Days turn into nights and back into days again.... and all this while I'm watching time crawl by in slow motion, until I remember something to do...that's when it revvs up at such a fast pace that it reminds me of those psychedelic dreams you get when you're really stoned....everything's moving at snail's pace one moment and at the speed of light in the next. And all this while, I'm there, trying to reinforce in my mind that this is all really happening....time really is passing me by, the moment will be gone before I realise that I've actually lived it. But before I know it, the moment is gone....lost forever, never to return again. I keep losing days complaining how nothing ever happens that I would like to remember forever, how I am so bored of the way life's progressing...and think to myself tomorrow will be better. But before I know it, tomorrow is yesterday and i'm still at ground zero. Maybe they aren't so wrong when they say "Live for the moment." I'm still trying to figure out what that means, but the words do make sense....one life to live, and i'll live each moment of it. And someday "time" will actually mean something to me...something more than a couple of hands of the clock moving cordially in circles to make up the motions.

Who Cares??

2007-06-06T11:48:00.002+05:30

Basically I'm complicated
I have a hard time taking the easy way
I wouldn't call it schizophrenia
But I'll be at least two people today

If that's okay

And I can go on and on and on... but who cares?

It's deep how you can be so shallow
And I'm afraid cause I have no fear
And I didn't believe in magic
Until I watched you disappear
I wish you were here

And I can go on and on and on... but who cares?

You see, everybody is somebody
But nobody wants to be themselves
And If I ever wanted to understand me
I'll have to talk to someone else

Cause every little bit helps

And I can go on and on and on... but who cares?

( From " Gnarles Barkley - Who Cares " )

Of Grey Clouds And Silver Linings...

2007-05-06T02:16:00.002+05:30

Strange, isn't it?? Just when you start thinking that life couldn't get any better, just when you've nestled into this cosy feeling that everything's perfect, when you think all the ghosts of the past have been exorcised....That is the exact time fate chooses to break open the vault and all the skeletons of a tainted past come all tumbling out. Sometimes, I think that God is like a kid with a magnifying glass playing in the sun, and we're the ants. His intentions are not evil, he doesn't really want to hurt us, he just likes to see us scurrying around trying to dodge the trouble. And that's what life is turning out to be...about how long you can dodge your troubles and stay in the shade.

But then, maybe it's a good thing that fate deals with us in the way it does, bringing out the past...making you stand face to face with it. Because if you've done that and come out of it unscarred, that's a big thing, it makes you a better person and it takes care of your conscience...which is a major thing. So just keep this in mind, next time the sky is totally clear and you think it's spring, the dark clouds will inevitably arrive...but then, every grey cloud will also have a silver lining.

World Of Words.

2007-05-06T02:16:00.001+05:30

I am an artist,
Dancing to the music...
Of my own words.

Creating upon a page
A world of my own,
Living my life...
Engulfed in a world of words.

"Bheja" Fried!!!

2007-05-06T02:16:00.000+05:30

"Bheja Fry"...The sleeper hit of the season. Most of you guys might have watched it, and most of them will agree with me when I say that it's a good movie...and those of you unlucky souls who haven't caught it yet, I'd recommend it. Now, before you people jump to any conclusions and start thinking that I've started doing movie reviews in the blog....that is not what this is about. This has to do with this article in this newspaper that i ran across last week...and the sheer stupidity I feel that's attached to it. Well, apparently some of the hindi profanities in the movies have been bleeped out from the movie, and the reasoning that the "Oh-So-Rationale" Censor Board has given for it is that the "C" word ( I won't say the whole words 'cause this blog is meant for family viewing!!) sounds so vulgar that it has to be bleeped out even in a movie that has an A rating.

Now, I compare this to another movie, "A Perfect Stranger" that came around the same time...Loads of semi-nudity, sexual and graphic violence and a bunch load of profanities, "F" words and all. But there was no editing done. The reason? Well, apparently the moral police has double standards. They are under the notion that the "F" word is more of a cool slang than a means of verbal abuse...and sexual nuances in english movies are acceptable because they're essential to the plot. But, our poor lil' local cousin...the "C" word is bleeped out because it has not been endorsed by rockstars and celebrities...unlike the "F" word. It sounds so cheap and vulgar that even a forty year old guy can't bear to hear it....leave alone the fact that if you wanna hear it shouted out all you have to do is stand at a street corner for half an hour, and nine times out of ten, you'll hear it. So all I say is if you guys think it's against our moralities to hurl abuses, then don't play partial just because people have defined one word as "cool" and the other as "cheap". The director of the movie was only being true to real life, those abuses are a real part of our daily lexicon, wether you guys want to accept it or not...don't penalise him for that.

In the end, all that I'll say is that the whole thing just shows what a bunch of hypocrites and a load of suckers these guys are, thinking that anything coming out of the west has to be good, even if it's crap. Which reminds me of the movie tagline for "Bheja Fry"...."Have you ever met an idiot??". Well, if you have not, just amble around to the office of the censor board...You're sure to meet some there.

But then again...

2007-04-21T01:23:00.004+05:30

The last few posts I've been a tad too sceptical about the way we are, and it paints a pretty grim picture. But before you lose all hope, Believe me in this....All is not lost. It's just about how comfortable we're with these imperfections in our lives, and in our acceptance of them being real. The world is still a pretty great place. People still love to smile. Happiness still lies in the smallest things. A beautiful spring day still brings warmth to your heart. Cute lil' dogs still make me want to play with them. People still want to fall in love. We still feel that nothing beats the feeling of having your friends around. Home is still the best place in the world. Family still comes first. We still manage to grimace a smile at complete strangers. We still hate saying goodbye, and when we do we still hug and kiss. Kids still have idols to look upto. We still love getting back to mother nature. And we still love to be the nice guys. So it's not that bad....if there was no bad there'd be no good, right?? They just co exist, that's it....So enjoy your life, 'cause I don't know about heaven or hell..but this is real.

Sex, Power, Money and Lies...

2007-04-21T01:23:00.003+05:30

" Sending The Devil to the angels, Jesus burns in hell."

The first time i read these words encrypted on the background wall in a Hellblazer comic book ( probably so that no one would really notice it in the background ), my first thoughts were that " God!! That is going to get the DC guys into some real trouble with the Vatican Semitics!!" But somehow those words just stuck in my head somewhere...and I look all around at the world and see that maybe it wasn't all that wrong. If you want to make your life really worth living, it's so-called bad forces you've to stick close to. The virtues can only take you so far, at a certain point you just have to live in sin.

Sex, power, money and lies....The four basic elements. The powers that rule us for all our lives, things that overshadow all in comparison. What would you give them up for. Love? Seriously, does anyone ever love anybody for their "inner beauty". Honestly, what's the first thing that you notice in a person you fall in love with..what's that first step to love. It's all about our carnal instincts at the beginning....love matures later on. Happiness and peace of mind? Money will get your happiness...try bringing inner peace when you don't know where your next meal is coming from. Success?? Being in control, having the power is what gets you success..being in control of your mind and being able to manipulate others according to your will. Making other people happy?? Try being blatantly honest with every body you meet and let's see how happy they are..we all inevitably have to lie..

So maybe I'm a sinner, maybe I sold my soul. But atleast I preach what I practise....We all love the dark side and now we're addicted. Amen.

You think you know??

2007-04-21T01:23:00.002+05:30

It's really strange the number of times we all can be wrong about the things we totally put our beliefs in, things we assume to be true with all heart..when in fact in the end they all just turn out to be lies, illusions we just made up according to our convenience, or worse still beliefs that were passed on to us, time tested to be true since eternity. And in the end they all turn out to be misquoted....nobody ever tells you about the strings attached..that there are certain conditions that apply.

People say that they know me, have known me all my life, know me inside out. And I can't even begin to tell you how often we are wrong when we say that. No one ever really knows a person except for that person. We've all got a good , a bad and an ugly side to us...but nobody but me can see them all, 'cause we all just put up a charade depending upon who we are with and where we are....adapting to the environment at it's best. Everybody who looks at me sees a different face, it's not my face that changes. It's what people have in their minds that changes the whole way in which they perceive me to be. They see what they think to be true, what they want to see...oblivious to the real me. So the next time you feel that you really know the people around you, think again..do you really know??

Another thing we all blindly put our faith in is the concept of love....To fall in love head over heels, not caring about one's own self, just falling totally and completely in love with that one perfect person. Which is just about the biggest lie I've ever heard. Love is totally over rated. Falling blindly in love and giving your all to someone sounds real great...but only when the guys in Hallmark talk about it, 'cause for them love sells. Loving someone more than one's own self is the biggest illusion about love ever created. The only person you can love totally, without conditions, no matter what happens...can only be your own self, it can never be some one else. No matter what all those lovey-dovey songwriters say, from another person you'll always want something back. Real life love is just about how much you can stand each other, how much of each other's worst can you take and if you can even it out.....if you can like a person at their worst. If you think a girl still looks like the most precious thing on the earth on a day she's got a real bad cold and is totally dishevelled and is cribbing about it all day long... that's what I'd say love is about.

So next time before you really think you really know it all about something...just reach in deep in your mind and ask yourself if you really do know about it, or do you just think you know...

Looking at you...

2007-04-21T01:23:00.001+05:30

I'm looking at you through the glass...
Don't know how much time has passed
It feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever
Feels like home sitting all alone inside your head

How do you feel?
That is the question
But i forget.. you dont expect an easy answer
When something like a soul becomes
Initialized and folded up like paper dolls and little notes
You cant expect a bit of hope
And while your outside looking in
Describing what you see
Remember what your staring at is me

Cause I'm looking at you through the glass...
Don't know how much time has passed
All i know is that it feels like forever
When no one ever tells you that forever
Feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head

How much is real?
So much to question
And never dare make up the mannequins
Contaminating everything
When thought came from the heart
It never did right from the start
Just listen to the noises(No more sad voices)
Before you tell yourself
Its just a different scene
Remember its just different from what you've seen

Im looking at you through the glass...
Don't know how much time has passed
And all i know is that it feels like forever
When no one ever tells you that forever
Feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head

( From "Stone Sour - Through The Glass" )

Resolutions.

2007-01-27T17:27:00.000+05:30

Well, once again it's that time of the year....the beginning of a new year and along with it comes the inevitable season of making New Year resolutions. Resolutions....now we've all made them, from losing weight to quitting smoking to making a cool million dollars, we've all made them and unfailingly time and time again, we have somehow managed to break them. Only a lucky few of us succeed in living up to them. And I am no exception, I've have had my share of them, even though they keep on changing with time. During certain ambitious moments it's been to get my career on track. During certain lovestruck "cupidised" days it has been to get closer to certain cuties from the past. And during moments of utter despair, it's been just to somehow hopefully to make it through the new year. This year i had totally made up my mind not to make one, but just a week into the new year and since people have driven me up the wall asking about it, I've decided to change my mind and now, I'm making one......

"To live life to it's fullest, to take on each day as it comes and to make the most out of it." That was my father's reply to me when I asked him about his new year resolution, some five years back on a sunday morning. At that time I couldn't help thinking that he was trying to take the easy way out, being non-committal and not being goal oriented and all...so that there'd be no guilt pangs involved afterwards. Think about it, the only person who can tell how happy he is with his life is that person himself, right?? But, now I see the sense my father's resolution makes. Becoming involved and fussing over non trivial things that really don't matter in the long run, we lose sense of the bigger picture involved, life as a whole. In the end all of our resolutions are just steps towards the end destination....living life to the fullest. So, if anybody asks me about my new year resolution, well here it is , as quoted by my father on a cold January morning in Shimla ; " To live life to it's fullest, to take on each day as it comes and to make the most out of it.".....And on my part I'd also like to make a cool Million bucks. Hey!! Who knows??

Adrift..

2006-12-28T02:34:00.000+05:30

Adrift upon an endless ocean;
Don't konow where I am going or how far.
Rise and fall of the waves are constantly in motion.
Insignificant flotsam passes by.
Feeling of utter despair makes me want to cry.
Taking a deep breath, I ask myself, "Why?"

Adrift within an endless black void;
Don't know where I am going or how far.
Rolling past me is an inoperable android.
Insignificant rubble passes by.
Feeling of great lonliness makes me want to cry.
Talking to myself, I enquire; "Why?"

Adrift within a creative mind.
Don't know where I am going or how far.
Reasonable words, phrases, and rhymes I cannot find.
Insignificant cliche' passes by
.Feeling of long writer's block makes me want to cry.
Tired, I ask my creator, "Why?"

Adrift in the silence of my room.
Don't know where I am going or how far.
Reason has been swept from my mind, like dust by a broom.
Insignificant insect passes by.
Feeling of indifference makes me want to cry.
Thoughtless, I don't ponder the question, "Why?"

Adrift in an out of body state.
Don't know where I am going or how far.
Reluctantly, I have been chosen to be here by fate.
Insignificant chatter passes by.
Feeling of non acceptance makes me want to cry.
There before me I politely ask , "Why?"

Starry eyed surprise...

2006-12-18T00:16:00.000+05:30

I can see the stars tonight, and it's been a long time since i did that (and living in Delhi i'm surprised i can actually see the stars,not some stray airplane..). And it gave me some kind of inner solace...and frankly once in a while we all deserve a night this. A night when you can just sit out on the roof, looking at the stars and contemplating where your piece fits in this big jigsaw puzzle of the cosmos, unleashing your imagination, just like you could when you were a kid.....a night when you get an escape from the maddening realities of life and are free to let your mind wander, watching the winter clouds cover up the moon, listening to Jim Morrison's philosophy on life being sung out to you. At that moment it's as if there's just me and the starry night.

So if you're having a night like that someday, don't let it bug you down, just go out and take a look above. Once in a while it feels good to get back in touch with your inner self....and with the stars above.

After all's been said and done...

2006-12-13T22:32:00.007+05:30

" Bound at every limb by my shackles of fear
Sealed with lies through so many fears
Lost from within, pursuing the end,
I fight for the chance to be loved again...."

I wonder what Amy Lee was thinkin' when she sang this. I have no idea why this is, but just when I had nestled into this cosy feeling that I was finally over her....last night I missed her like hell, and I couldn't sleep ( Yeah me!! must go and check where the sun rose this morning!). Almost twenty days after the whole episode took place, it all finally made sense to me...and to be honest it was something I had expected to happen, I knew I was trying to salvage whatever I could from a lost cause. Maybe that's the thing about it...it's much more tougher to give someone up than it is to lose somebody. Because then you feel you can do so much when you really can't, you want to change it all but there are no more oppurtunities to do so.

But then again I think about all the things that happened, and it makes me impugn all that I know.....hate gives us much more satisfaction than love ever could, love just gives you misery, cause you want people to reciprocate it and when they don't it hurts. Nothing like that with hate. Maybe it's just my fear talking, 'cause I feel like a guy who's been stripped off his blindfold after an eternity, but he just won't open his eyes to the world before him, because he's scared of the blinding light in front of him. And I will open my eyes...and as Amy put it so aptly " fight for the chance to be loved again." Amen to that!!

Excuses,excuses!

2006-12-13T22:32:00.003+05:30

I think it's unfair, but since that's the way it seems to be, I suppose I must face up to the truth and deal with it somehow.People don't believe me anymore. In fact, I wonder if they ever did.

My reasons are taken lightly, and treated as nothing but excuses - and rather poor ones at that!! I protest!!

When I need to make excuses, they are Good ones... the kind that are believed, etc.. But if my way of thinking and reasoning is slightly different from the rest of the world, that isn't a good reason for disbelief!! Let's face it, I'm different, revel in thinking along remarkably sidey tracks most of the time, and causes and effects tend to make slightly out-of-the-ordinary linkages in my brain. So what?? That doesn't make my reasons any less valid for me! So stop doubting me, people, before I stop giving reasons of any description, for anything at all!!!

How??

2006-12-12T13:42:00.002+05:30

How does one know what his life's true calling is? How many times must a person die before he learns to live? How many times must we fall before we learn to rise again? How many times must we get hurt before we can feel the joy? How many leaps must a person's faith take before he can attain nirvana? How does one know what his Karma has in store for him? How can a single person have so much hate and so much love inside him at the same time? How can a person kill his own soul just to please others? How can money be the answer to all our problems if it's just a meterialistic temptation? How many times should we let evil win the eternal conflict? How many blows can one person take before he strikes back? How can resorting to violence bring peace to the world? How can we expect god to forgive our sins when we can't even forgive each other's mistakes? How can a person be lonely in a crowd? How can we advocate freedom of expression and censure at the same time? How can somebody else decide what's right or wrong for me? How does one find true love? How many times is a person able to kill his own conscience? How can we all be so damn chaotic inside and still be able to say we're fine? HOW??