Tuesday, March 31, 2009

See you on the other side...

The blog's been..well, retired prematurely. Buit we have a replacement...so you still have to put up with me. 


Tuesday, December 2, 2008

The Other I.

Alter ego: An alter ego (Latin, "the other I") is a second self, a second personality or persona within a person.

PROLOGUE: Greetings to the readers. Today I won't be writing the post. And I have a pretty good reason for that. A very good friend of mine, someone I've known for as long as I can remember,who perhaps got annoyed by the hours I've been spending trying to come up with something to write, has decided to take up things in his own hands. And he offered to write about me, so there was no way I could have said no. just hope he doesn't reveal too many of my well-kept secrets. But without further delay, I'll pass over the keyboard to our guest writer.

What's all the fuss about anyway? Hmmm....I wonder what his interpretation of "the fuss" is. Is it the world with all it's chaos, or the life we've shared.

We haven't been together from the start. Kenny was there before I arrived on the scene (long story for some other day). But then as per the nomenclature norms, a technical default if you will, I took over. Anant Seam. The world came to know Kenny through me. But out here in the blogging world, it's the other way around. You know me through Kenny, I'm just the name on the email address. And that's because he chooses to listen to the so called "voices in his head" and reveals my life in words for the world to read. Did anyone of you ever got around to ask him why he writes in italics? It's because he's just jotting down thoughts, my thoughts, and analyzing and interpreting them, instead of just making straight forward statements like I do. I live in the world, Ken...well he has his own twisted fantasy world.

Kenny's the guy who won't let me get up in the morning to go to work because he can't ever think of himself stuck in a rut working in a tedious cycle, no matter how detached he gets when I do get to work. I think he's just lazy and unfocused. He's the guy thanks to whom, I'm up at five on a Sunday. He wants me to quit my job, and retire and settle somewhere along a beach in a few years, putting all my plans in jeopardy. He hates the ties I wear to meetings, and it's a big task to keep his hands of my neck to tear it off. He's the guy who keeps me up all night delving deep into his thoughts and mine, asking for reasons and solutions. And he's at it until I get too emotionally involved and am on a brink of a nervous breakdown. But than thankfully, he's also the guy who whispers in my ear, "Just f*ck it!!!" and gives me a pretty decent reason why I should do that. He hates literature, says it's always better to make up your own quotes than to quote others. I think that explains what he's been doing here all this while. I read the books that help him form his own quotes. He's never been the one to be bothered about making impressions on people's minds, and he won't fake it. If he doesn't like you he announces his displeasure. Still, he's the one who makes all the friends. I hate him for that. I have to curb him and be the diplomatic one. Kenny's the hopeless romantic. He's the one who falls in love all the time and I'm the one who ends up paying for it (both emotionally and financially). For some reason he can't seem to stay detached from the rigors of love and all the baggage that it brings along. He craves for it, and he drags me along with him.
And I must say he does find some pretty amazing women. Honestly I can't say that I regret being with any one of them. I often joke to him that he hates being single because he knows that if he doesn't find anybody he'll be stuck with me, but then I also realize that maybe he's doing it more for me than for himself. He thinks I'm pretty boring, too worldly wise for his tastes. I think his ways are too wild for me. All his Saturday night's alcoholic liaisons, with me ending up nursing the Sunday morning hangovers. The cigarettes he manages to sneak into my day when I'm trying to quit. The tattoos he wants to engrave on my body. The haircuts he's made me carry off. The nights spent with him wondering what the hell I was doing there. But that's the way it has to be.

Being held together by the physical limitations of a body as compared to the endless limits of the mind, Kenny and I have worked out a system for survival, we know who works best where, so that keeps us from tipping over the edge to what the shrinks would term "schizophrenia". He knows when he's supposed to fade out, I know where I'm supposed too fill in. Want to know how to make a Manhattan? Talk to Kenny. Want to discuss the economy? Come to me. I make contacts. He makes friends. He finds love. I plan the date. It's all a nice little habitat, with each role defined. And that's life as we'll know it. Watching each others backs.Kenny n' me.

Basically I'm complicated
I have a hard time taking the easy way
I wouldn't call it schizophrenia
But I'll be at least two people today....

P.s. : I really hadn't plan to give out any of his secrets..but after he mentioned it...the offer was too tempting...so...so he won't be giving away any secrets, cause he's out now, the blogger is my role, I can take over whenever I want. At the end, the words at the bottom will always say "Posted by Kenny". :)

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Begin. End. Repeat.

Those of you who thought I was dead or something....tough luck, I'm still alive and unfortunately for those of you who're actually reading this, I'm still "thinking" enough to try and come back and write out the voices brimming over in this head of mine.

To the purists who claim that it's necessary to update blogs at regular intervals to uphold their sanctity...I apologize. I know three months is too long to be called a break.

Where was I all this while? Still trapped in this maze of life, trying to work my way through it. But the online "avatar" of it that most of us can't do without in this age.....just seemed to have been disconnected. It's not just the blog...I haven't read any other blogger's post in the last three months, with a couple of exceptions, left just one comment all this while, no Facebooks or Orkuts, no personal mails. I've been asked about when I'd get to update...only to end up either lying about it or ignoring the query altogether. People have put up missing signs for me out in cyberspace. It's not that I didn't have anything to write about, a lot has happened in the months that have passed, life has changed...and I could have worked something up, just didn't feel the inner urge to do so. Didn't feel there was really something going on in my mind that absolutely needed to be put into words. I would've called it a writer's block...but I'm not that creative so as to claim one. Let's just call it being extremely lazy...and that should wind up all of my excuses for now.
To borrow a thought from "Seinfeld"...this post is basically about NOTHING. Updates on life would take too long, given the sheer volume of the time that has passed since the last post. This is just an attempt to reclaim lost turf, trying to break back into the Blogger's skin. Maybe next time (it'll be soon...so no funny comments about that!!) I'll write something more interesting.

If anybody's wondering about the title...that is IF anybody's reading at all...it's just something that's been in my mind for a while. How life is all about changes...how in a way it all comes to you in phases. The whole "What goes around comes back around" thing. How you always get another chance to make things work. And after this long sojourn, you could call this another "phase" for this blog. One which will be hopefully be a more interesting read for you people out there. One where for once, I'll think that I've written something that does completely satisfy me, word to word...unlike this post. One where I'm more regular with the posts (that's what they told me to say). :P
It's Saturday...and I really need to get out now. I'll be back pretty soon though...and I do hope some people do drop by. "Begin"'s done. "End"'s done. Repeat will be next time...till then, Cheers!!

Friday, August 1, 2008

This, That...n' Other Stuff.

Ok, so maybe i went a lil' bit overboard in my last post, wallowing in my misery and self-pity. It seemed like a good enough idea at the time I wrote it, but like the wise ones always say...think twice before you hit "Enter". But I did exaggerate...I don't hate my life that much, considering I'm not that fond of the other option. One funny thing I did notice, though , was that when I asked you guys about how you were doing, a lot of people showed up...and when I started to talk about it, most of them are gone (Yeah..11 comments are a big deal for me...what is it to you??). But then I do agree with you...I mean what kinda comment would you leave a guy who's whining on and on about his life? Ok..this is starting to sound like complaining. I'm not complaining. I'm just trying to get warmed up before I realize what this post is gonna be all about....

Well, it has been while since I did an update on what's been going on in 'My Life' ( and the last post doesn't count here...that was just a classic example of being caught in a weak moment). So I'll do one of those point-to-point updates most people do. So here goes...

- After two months of sleepless nights, momentary insanity (again use the last post as a reference) and going over the facts again and again, I think, or I'd like to believe that i am finally at peace over whatever ensued between Su' and me. It's a long story how the moment of realization came about (involves a weird dream...guess with a brain that screwed up only that'd have worked), but after giving it all the thought I could muster up, I realize that whatever happened, in the end...I won't say was all for good...but that it's not all lost. All the how's and why's just sorted out, and now I'm feeling way better.

- I'm definitely liking the new sarcastic side of me that's sprung up quite nicely over the last few weeks, after being neatly packed up and forgotten about for quite some time now. It's not a great way to live socially, you don't make any friends....but it's damn satisfying!!

- G is getting married in October. This October. G happens to be my best friend since the school days. The weird part is....he's 23 and he's totally not freaked out that he's getting married. I was speechless when I first got to hear about it. Ditto all my other buddies. But this guy's cool as ice. 'Just another day at work...and in the evening...ohh...I'll get married.' Something like that. And that for some reason, I find hard to believe. I don't care how much you're in love or whatever....you're 23 and getting married. Gimme something!!

- My ciggie habit had also resurfaced over the last couple of months, but any chances of going back full-time again got nipped in the bud, thanks to my dad and his twisted sense of humor. Seems he found out somehow, and on the phone I'm asking him about why he's getting so adamant about getting my bro married real soon. To which he replies, "I'm going to be retired soon. I'll have loads of free time. And to keep me occupied I'll need grandchildren. And at the rate you're going with your ciggies I'm not sure if I should be expecting any from you so...".
Below the belt. But Touché Dad!!

-And among other things...I've found out that I have lost my ability to sit long enough to watch a whole Hindi movie at one go, that I can't work without taking an hourly break (seems to be a pattern there, I think) and that for some reason people have this illusion that I give great advice, even if I repeatedly tell them they'd be better off listening to the Devil instead of me, they always manage to come back. And I wanna get back to learn to play the guitar.

And I've no idea about what would be a great way to sign off. I've been thinking about it for last 10 minutes and nothing came up. So I'll leave with a quote...not mine. Just something to think about.

"You can be obsessed by remorse all your life, not because you chose the wrong thing - you can always repent, atone: but because you never had the chance to prove to yourself that you would have chosen the right thing."

I have no idea why I wrote that...

Thursday, July 24, 2008


After all these days, it's all come down to this.

What happens when you become all of the things you always thought you hated? Do you learn to accept those things? Or do you start hating yourself??

Today, I don't know how or what to feel....
I look at myself in the mirror and can just think of the ways I've let myself down. My emotions are puppets in the hands of other people. I fall in love with the wrong people at the wrong time. And once in I've no idea how to get out. All my life I distanced myself from people...and now today I haven't got anybody I can tell how I really feel. I look up to people I don't even know to give me a comforting word or smile. My envy has reached a point where I think it has a mind of its own, it strikes without a warning. I get hurt...but I can't express the pain, and that hurts even more. I can't stop this voice in my head from getting obsessed about trivial issues that the sane part of me doesn't even care about. I have no idea where my life is headed. I'm a whore for money....but money isn't helping my mind. I live a lie every single day, because I've led people to believe that I live a charmed life that couldn't be any more perfect...and I'd rather live that illusion than show people how vulnerable I actually am. I stay up nights thinking if I've gone crazy (the timings of my last few blog posts should confirm that). I think I am crazy. I'd like to be crazy. That way I'd have an excuse.

Today I'm disappointed in myself. Today I'm the sum of all the things I never wanted to be.

Today the lil' guy in my head has been screaming all day long. Today I'm smiling, hoping my fake happiness will drown him out.