Thursday, July 24, 2008


After all these days, it's all come down to this.

What happens when you become all of the things you always thought you hated? Do you learn to accept those things? Or do you start hating yourself??

Today, I don't know how or what to feel....
I look at myself in the mirror and can just think of the ways I've let myself down. My emotions are puppets in the hands of other people. I fall in love with the wrong people at the wrong time. And once in I've no idea how to get out. All my life I distanced myself from people...and now today I haven't got anybody I can tell how I really feel. I look up to people I don't even know to give me a comforting word or smile. My envy has reached a point where I think it has a mind of its own, it strikes without a warning. I get hurt...but I can't express the pain, and that hurts even more. I can't stop this voice in my head from getting obsessed about trivial issues that the sane part of me doesn't even care about. I have no idea where my life is headed. I'm a whore for money....but money isn't helping my mind. I live a lie every single day, because I've led people to believe that I live a charmed life that couldn't be any more perfect...and I'd rather live that illusion than show people how vulnerable I actually am. I stay up nights thinking if I've gone crazy (the timings of my last few blog posts should confirm that). I think I am crazy. I'd like to be crazy. That way I'd have an excuse.

Today I'm disappointed in myself. Today I'm the sum of all the things I never wanted to be.

Today the lil' guy in my head has been screaming all day long. Today I'm smiling, hoping my fake happiness will drown him out.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Let's Talk.

So, how are you today?, now don't act so surprised. You, the person staring intently at your desktop/laptop screen trying to get a glimpse of the weird little thing I call my life...yeah, I AM talking to YOU. You didn't think all I do here is tell my story and get done with it, did you? No, I think of it as a two way conversation...except here I get to speak more, and nobody interrupts me until I'm done. So today i thought I'd let you I'm asking, how are you today?

And don't say you're fine. The same f-ing answer we keep on repeating day after day never really meaning it. Everybody says "I'm fine"( Also a movie directed by Rahul Bose in 2002...todays' useless trivia). But tell me, how do you really feel today? C'mon, I'm giving you a chance nobody else might...say whatever you want to say. Out of love? Ridiculously happy in love? Got an A-hole for a boss? Having the best day ever? Hate your job? Love your job? Wanna kill your neighbor? Or a colleague? Looking great today? Having a bad hair day? Didn't notice your fly had been open all day? Can't stop smiling? Want to tell me to go f&#k myself? Just tell me. This time you speak first. I'll listen. And not judge. None of that.

That's just the kind of mood I'm in today. And I'm not even drunk...

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Bon Appétit!!

Cooking is an art. I am not an artist.

Now most people would've left it at that an got on with their lives. But, as the legend goes, Kenny never gives up without a fight, specially when his food is at stake...because he has a lot of free time. In my honest opinion cooking as an art form has a lot of advantages over its contemporaries. You don't need to be naturally talented for it, if you have enough flair and enough practice, you can be just as good. You don't need an audience to appreciate or judge your work, as long as your taste-buds are in perfect condition. You don't have to be totally original, and your masterpieces have a great repeat value....who would mind having a sumptuous meal week after week? And, like with all art forms, I've found over time that cooking can be an excellent conversation starter with the ladies. ( Ok kiddos!! Take notes...firstly the women are intrigued by men who have dared venture into what's mostly termed as their domain - namely "the kitchen". Two, brush up on the basic cooking jargon but don't try to pass yourself off as an expert...because if you're not you WILL be found out. Three, try talking about this dish you've been trying but hasn't worked out for some up about the dish from a cookbook before you do that...and the women, nice people that they are, always like to help out. And they also like the fact that you're willing to admit that you're doing something thing they think most men lack. So you score extra brownie points for that!!)

Anyways, the topic's art of cooking and not flirting so without further distractions. Cooking has always appealed to the curious side of me, whether it was helping out my mum in the kitchen as a 7 year old and wondering in awe as the seemingly normal ingredients came together to form all those dishes. Or as a teenager when the kitchen was my favorite experimental lab during summer holidays. But then moving out of house, in the last six years I never really got around to get myself to cook again. That is until a normal Saturday, which would've gone with the usual routine of takeaway food and eating joints. But fate had other rummaging through my closet I came face to face with the only cookery book I've ever bought ( I was feeling kinda bad for the salesman at this bookstore where I'd spent a good two hours going through the comic I'd picked up a book on 'Italian Cooking' on my way out. ) As I sat there flipping through the pages I came across this illustration...and I knew that was what I HAD to have for lunch. There was this feeling i can't really explain. Ok, for the guys I can try to term an analogy...remember when as hormone ravaged teenagers we used to flip to the centerfold of our "dirty" mags and look at the model and wonder, dumb-struck in our awe, what those boobs would feel like?? We couldn't put it in words because none of us really knew...but we knew it had to be awesome!! That's the feeling I'm talking about. And girls...after that example I'm sure you must be thanking your stars that I'm not gonna try and think one out for you too.

So there I was, seduced by " Pasta Amatriciana". So after a short trip to the mart I was ready to begin. I had the ingredients, I had my recipe, I had my beer to accompany the meal...what could possibly go wrong?? And exactly an hour and a half later I learn the following things :
- The extra seasoning of a dash of human blood you involuntarily add to the list of ingredients while chopping onions doesn't really help the flavor. It doesn't do your finger any good either...
- The kitchen is a mystical place in another dimension where all logics of time and measurement cease to exist. The chef's 15 minutes seemed much shorter than my 15 minutes. The chef's recipe's for serving four, I figure I'll make enough for two and halve the ingredients...doesn't add up!!
- When you come across some fancy sounding term that you don't understand, don't go "Ooohhh!! Big Italian chef with all his bloody fancy lingo!!" Big mistake. Go through the glossary at the end or look them up on the net. It's better than eating something raw or over cooked or just plain miserable.
- Stick to the rules. If it's your first time cooking, this is not the place you want to let the rebel in you out. Since your entire digestive system is at stake, you'll see the sense in that. You can leave the experimentation for later.
- If in the end it doesn't turn out well, blame the Mr. Big-shot Italian cook in his big fancy Italian kitchen, drinking Italian wine with his hot Italian wife. Probably drives a Ferrari too. Grrrr.....I so hate that guy!!

At the end of it, I was staring at a plate of what looked to me like the "evil twin" of the dish I'd ran into earlier in the picture. Maybe it lacks the looks, maybe it has a beautiful inner soul...the spiritualist in me says. Wrong again.

Cooking is an art. I am not a cook.....yet. As the legend continues, Kenny gets knocked out...he gets up again.
But at that moment I was just another guy with two cans of beer. My masterpiece is yet to come.

P.S.: This happens to be my 50th post at this place. 50 special moments spent in Blogsville, good, bad, weird, got all kinds....and thanks to all the wonderful people who've dropped by, pretended that they've read all through the post and left a nice comment at the end...ok, just kidding!! So today I raise a toast, to the place where I came to lose my mind....and found out I wasn't the only one. Cheers!!
P.P.S. : I've started replying to the comments you guys leave on my posts taking a cue from the other bloggers (don't wanna end up being labeled snobbish!!). So if you're the kind of person who's into that stuff, just though I'd let you guys know...starting with my previous post. And Life's good......

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

I'm Just A Guy...

DISCLAIMER: The views expressed below are my personal thoughts and do not necessarily apply to a group as a whole...that is unless they want to. And guys, if you don't agree with whatever I'm going to say, please don't beat me up. And if you do agree with me...still, please don't beat me up!!

In retrospect, I guess I just have myself to blame for bringing this upon myself. With a blogroll in which seven out of ten bloggers are female, plus that I'm more inclined to read blogs put up by girls (not really my fault...the female mind always did intrigue me more!!) it was inevitable. And I thought, well, considering I have an opinion on everything...why don't express it this time as well. It all started with the posts. Posts where the subject of guys would crop up.....we were the bad guys, the people with no emotions, some even said we had no hearts, that we didn't belong in a civilized world, we couldn't give or command respect, we lived under illusions that we were "knights" and so on. Firstly, let me tell you this...girls, you are right. I know I could get butchered by the guys for this but it's true. Of the ten things that you think are wrong with us, all of us have at least eight of them genetically engraved onto our DNA. So why does it bother me, if I'm already submitting to the fact that it is true? Simple, because I'm a guy, I'm one of them, and then I'm really not....actually lots of us are not, but we live double lives divided between the "cliche' guy" definition and who we really are...just because of the reasoning that you belong with the majority unless you can prove otherwise.

So who are we? We are the guys who woke up one day and thought that maybe there was something wrong with us, something on which all of your accusations could be based upon...and we ventured out to find what that was and to change it. We were going against every natural instinct of ours, we were going against "the tribe"...but we were just getting bloody tired of being ridiculed all along. So we tried. We were just as curious as the others about you when we first saw you, but we recognized the fact that ogling at your cleavage was not the way to express that. We did have sex on our minds, but then we also knew that it was not necessary to express that every time you're around. We were brought up in a world that said to us "real men don't have emotions"....but we didn't accept that and poked around inside, and we discovered that we have them just as much, if not more, than you do. We had enough reasoning to establish that remarking about how great your ass looks is not a great way to start a conversation. The thought of being in your bad books is really discomforting for us, so we think and we think and we think again in every single thing involving you so that no bad vibes are there. We respect your intelligence as much as we admire your physical attributes (and we know enough not to be vocal about it!!). We, like any other guy, could get possessive about our women, but we wouldn't ever let it show in front of you...maybe we'd punch holes in the bedroom wall when you'd go out for drinks with that handsome guy from work, but we wouldn't let you know how possessive we are. We knew that Knights are of no use when there are no damsels to be rescued. That's us. Us?? Am I one of these guys? I know it was pretty easy for me to acknowledge that this is my space and take some I won't judge that, the "we" is just representative of those who belong. All I'll say is that there are guys like that, who want to change the way the equation of the sexes stands...and you know that just as well as we do. And I don't know what exactly I'm hoping to achieve by writing all of this, but I do feel the need to let the "voices in my head" out once in a I'm just doing that. The main idea here is just that...there's good with the just don't give up on us yet. We're trying to change. Honest...not a cliche' guy "honest", "honest" the way you want it to mean. ;)