The Truth About Death.

Funny died last friday. Funny, for the record, was my dog, and a loving friend for a major part of my life. And no, this is not going to be an eulogy about how great he was, eventhough he was, but you don't want to read about that. This is about the the day he died, gasping for air while I sat with him on my lap waiting for the vet to see him. I think I knew he wouldn't make it before it even struck, maybe we all did....but to see him give up after fighting for his last breath, the whole scene..it was the first time i've seen anybody die..and it sure did change a lot of perceptions I had about death....

Before this, I took it as a matter of fact..you live and then you die. And maybe I was a bit too cocky about it being young, knowing it isn't going to happen to me anytime soon as long as I don't live on the edge. Earlier, the only places I had seen death was where? In movies, read about it in books, heard about it in songs?? The picture about death there is so wrong, because those guys put out emotions on the front..or they take them away completely. Death is either total,raw carnage or they have this really poigant take on it....which in turn brought me to associate a kind of romanticism to the whole concept of death. But, then it hit me like a brick wall..it's all so wrong. Death's nothing like that. It's ugly...ugly and ruthlessly painful. There's life and then in a moment it all just blanks out, like somebody just yanked out your power chord. And by the way, as I see it, the last moment you have, I wouldn't think about people I love, or about the things I could've done with my life...it's all going to boil down to just one last thought,"I wish i could live some more. I don't want to die..."

Sweet Dreams...

She had this dream nestling in her eyes....
Cocooned,
Awaiting to come true..

And then a tide rose up in her mind,
A flood full of emotions.
All engulfed in a single drop...
And it splattered on the floor,
Leaving behind it's sting...

And as the blur wore out,
She couldn't escape the irony of it all.
Sweet dreams turned to salt....

A Place Called Home...

A couple of weeks back i got to go back home to Shimla after a really long gap ( Well, 10 months won't really cut it for a really long gap for most people, but by my usual standards it is. ) . Unfortunately, it wasn't a really long trip, and to be honest , it didn't really settle in as it used to earlier. It seems the whole place has metamorphised into this completely new place that I just don't recognise anymore..and worse, it's home but still i feel like a stranger being out there. Of course, home is still good ol' home..and I still know the place like the back of my hand. But somwhere deep inside, there's this sense of non- belonging, that the people just don't know me anymore and they couldn't care less. So now here I am, wondering if it's time I start calling Delhi my home, but then that's what makes me realise, Shimla is still the only place that I can go to without any inhibitions, a place where I can be myself, a place where i'm always welcome. So, there's still one place I'd call home....

Btw,there were a couple of incidents on the trip I could share with you. So here goes!!

Well, the first one happened on the first day itself. My mum really wanted to me to make a trip to this temple while I was home, and being the long trip that it is I thought i'd get it over with as soon as possible. So, after a lot of huffing and puffing over the hill I got there. Now, I'd planned to take some pics on my camera of the really amazing view from the top once I got there, which gave me a slight motivation to make the trip. So after the usual stuff, I thought i'd get some pics..so I amble over to this garden at the back, only to stumble upon a couple, deep in the enthroes of love, oblivious to everything, so I beat a hasty retreat, disgruntled about not getting the pics. (That, by the way, was the best view!!! ). And then I turned to the terrace, only to have the same scene repeated.....and like a sad movie re-run, again, when I went to the other side. So, there I was, after a steep climb, and still without any pics. After waiting for about fifteen minutes, I decided to call it a day and walked back home. Now that I think about it, I don't know who to feel more sorry for. There's me, who didn't get any pics after all the anticipation. Then there's the temple priest, vowed to celibacy and having to watch all these lovelorn couples, must be kind of frustrating, it'd be for me!! But I guess, it'd have to be the couples themselves...having to come up all that way just to get some time alone to themselves. Now there's one guy who can truly say "For you Baby, I climbed the highest mountain..."

Now, the second one happens during the trip back. On my way back, my cousin calls me up to pick up some wine and cider for him (Ok!! Who am I kidding? It was for me too...) . So I do that and put the "stuff" in my bag. Later at the next stop, Lady Luck shines and this cute girl gets on and gets the seat next to me. So, we got talking and strike up a conversation to kill time up until Chandigarh where we' were supposed to change. And when we're getting off, this girl is standing next to me waiting for me to come so we can catch the next bus, and that was the exact moment my bag's zipper gives away and all the booze comes tumbling out....a six-pack and a couple of bottles of wine. I've never seen anybody disappear faster, she did mumble something about making a call though..... Not that I blame her or anything...

Island To Tree

I feel like an island today...
No one understands things my way,
I was raised were each one was an island.

All problems were kept to self,
The only solutions were good if they
Came from some corner of your own shelf.

My island is flooded,
By waters that come in...
And I have no boat
To hold myself in.

What purpose do I serve in writing?
Hasn't everyone heard my story before?
I am strong and I am weak,
I have wants and I have needs...

I need to tell my story..
I want to let it be.
Becuase today I may be an island.
Tomorrow perhaps a tree...

Quotes...

I'm guessing all of you out there have already read this stuff out on my Orkut pro, but well it's stuff i wanted to post on my blog to preserve it out....

"I tell you again it doesn't apply,
Death or Life or Life or Death,
Cause living it up is upto you...
I know I've got to use words to talk,
But until you understand what they mean,
They are nothing to me and they're nothing to you..."

"Man probably made movies to show God that he could create heaven , hell and the essence of life...all on a white screen in a black room."

"There are so few ways in which we can be good, we can all be bad in a totally unique way. Good is cliche', too predictable...if there were no bad guys, there'd be no good guys. Without any good guys, we'd all be bad guys anyways. So Honey, good ain't worth it...Love the bad guy, it's much more fun!!"

The last one most of you haven't read, that was up on Valentine's Day this year....So atleast there's something new.

The Thinker

This is really going to sound oxymoronic as you read on further, but lately i've just been wondering why we think so much about things? And I don't mean to downplay our abilities to think, it's one of the greatest gifts we've got, to analyse, contemplate and to plan our lives out. If I had to take a guess though, we don't really do that as often as we say we do. The kind of thoughts i'm talking about here, the ones that run through our minds most of the times, are the kind that blindside you at the strangest of places when it is least required. In a middle of a presentation, in the middle of the night when you should really be trying to sleep, while watching television, on a lazy sunday afternoon..it could be basically anytime, any place.....when out pops this totally irrelevant, almost nonsensical thought that has no business being there in the first place, and it probably won't be worth anything to you in a significant kind of time. It'll just wither away with time. And then, your whole train of thoughts gets sidetracked.

And i'm thinking right now that most of you who read this should identify with what i'm saying. But don't fret or mull over this article, do spare a thought but not for too long, cause the mind can work in funny ways..and then when you least expect it, you could be thinking about what i wrote back there. Then you'll know what I was talking about....

A Mad, Manic Month.

After a really long hiatus, and probably after running out of all possible alibis I could think of to curb down this "Writer" alter-ego of mine....this really feels good, to be back writing again after a real long gap. And if anybody out here was missing me, you probably need to get some more interesting pursuits.... Just Kidding!!

It's ben a real roller-coaster of a month, and looking back in retrospect, either it's me who's going crazy or the world is. Because the more I try and make sense of all the things happening, the more I am preplexed about it all. The "Why's" and "How's" are still still hanging over my head like the Damocles' swords, questions that won't go away unsatiated. But eventhough life's been all erratic and well to put it simply, weird at times....there's still a lot i've learnt, like how lives can change in seconds, how I feel at times that all my life i've been lied to and only now that I know the world to I get to see the truth..and that it's not always pretty. That at times how necessary it can be to lie, that maybe there's more to me than I think I am. And that there's this thing called love that we've got, that somehow in the middle of it still manages to rear up its head time after time again. And there could be a lot more, every day brings something along.

But most important thing I probably learned is that I can't stay away from this place too long....it beckons to some part of me that craves to write. It doesn't know what might turn up in this head of mine..but it wants to write. It's great to be back....