Thursday, July 24, 2008

Aaaaarrrrghh!!!

After all these days, it's all come down to this.

What happens when you become all of the things you always thought you hated? Do you learn to accept those things? Or do you start hating yourself??

Today, I don't know how or what to feel....
I look at myself in the mirror and can just think of the ways I've let myself down. My emotions are puppets in the hands of other people. I fall in love with the wrong people at the wrong time. And once in I've no idea how to get out. All my life I distanced myself from people...and now today I haven't got anybody I can tell how I really feel. I look up to people I don't even know to give me a comforting word or smile. My envy has reached a point where I think it has a mind of its own, it strikes without a warning. I get hurt...but I can't express the pain, and that hurts even more. I can't stop this voice in my head from getting obsessed about trivial issues that the sane part of me doesn't even care about. I have no idea where my life is headed. I'm a whore for money....but money isn't helping my mind. I live a lie every single day, because I've led people to believe that I live a charmed life that couldn't be any more perfect...and I'd rather live that illusion than show people how vulnerable I actually am. I stay up nights thinking if I've gone crazy (the timings of my last few blog posts should confirm that). I think I am crazy. I'd like to be crazy. That way I'd have an excuse.

Today I'm disappointed in myself. Today I'm the sum of all the things I never wanted to be.

Today the lil' guy in my head has been screaming all day long. Today I'm smiling, hoping my fake happiness will drown him out.

5 Comments:

J said...

I admire your guts in putting this post. And no you don't hate yourself, you just get a whole lot obsessive. And when the battle between truth and a lie crops up, just do something or anything. Even a drink could help drown those thoughts if you know what I mean.

And hey you ain't the only money whore.. make it +1 ;)

Cheers!!

go-phish said...

i wish i could honestly say i have no clue what you mean...tell you that its just a phase and how the sun will shine through. But i cant. LIfe is not really a fairytale with the 'happy ending' banner. Sometimes we become darker than we want to..and yes, even people we never thought we would be. All i can tell you is that you're not alone. Not so you can think misery loves company but so you know people DO get through this. Its just the time taken thats different. Recognizing the problem is a great step. Best of Luck!

Sur said...

i kinda know what you are going through... i know it coz I'm going through a similar phase... there are times in life when you want to undo things... but then everything happens for a reason... may b to teach us something... look for +ives in all -ives... it helps... really... no1 actually knows where their lives' r headed... and thats the wayits meant to b... thats why ppl like me call life an adventure, a journey... reality bites, but its worse livin an illusion...
we all are crazy in our own terms... i dont see nything wrong with it... dont b disappointed... its just a phase, it'll b over soon... all yu got to do is stop thinking so much... and get some sleep :P... (does that sound familiar??)
dont worry, real happiness will drown the fake one n the lil guy soon... dont loose hope... someday, it'll all b easy...

Swayam said...

agree with go-phish completely... its only a phase... and then things will just get better... and make it worth all that you've gone through... lifes beautiful and its high time we stopped making our happiness dependent on how others react or behave... we can never be accountable to how they are...

Kenny said...

@J : There's a fine line between guts and stupidity...u took your pick!! And it's always nice to have company. ;)

@Go-Phish: Admitting to the problem is the first step to recovery eh?

@Sur: All yu got to do is stop thinking so much... and get some sleep :P... (does that sound familiar??)
I would recommend that to you too.. :P

@Swayam: Point noted!! :)