The Trouble With Love Is...

After a relatively mind-numbing month spent contemplating whether I should resume the blog or let the "farewell" post stay up as I intended it to, events of the last week have given me some kinda reason to come back around. Rather ironically, if I may add.

So, I could quote a hundred songs about it or a million words....but at the end of it all nothing else but two words are enough to bring me to reality of it all. Su's gone. Forever. Period. No re-conciliations this time around, no second chances to make amends. Just like that, one day I wake up and it all vanishes. Not the love, just the chance to make it last. And in a way, Life, at least for the blog, has come a full circle. It all started with a heartache, then somehow out of nowhere came "the love", and now it's time for he heartache again, and it keeps getting worse each time. One place where practice doesn't really make perfect. And it's ironical, at least I feel it's ironical, maybe that's the wrong word to use in the context, because she'd said that she would stop talking to me if I didn't get working and put something up on the blog real soon.

Ok, I'll be honest. We both knew it'd come to this one of these days. But, and I'm gonna quote Su' herself over here...."In the middle of an ordinary life, love gives us a fairytale." And along with that a hope, that somehow everything will go right. That somehow, some way, you can make anything possible. And that's exactly where I, or rather we, forgot the ground rules of how the real world functions. We don't always get things the way we want. And as the curtains fall down on another chapter of my life, I muse on what hurts the most. Deleting all the signs that a person you love more than anything else ever existed, or having to forget a whole year of your life just because every little memory reminds you of that person, or the feeling that a couple of years down the line, the other person may not even recall who you are, or at least pretend to do so.

Anyways, I know the best thing to do now is to move on. Just wish it was as simple as the "Fast-Track" advertisements. And as always, I did learn something, came out a little bit wiser. And at the risk of sounding totally goofy, I'd really like to thank Su' for one thing. For taking the scepticism out of me. For showing me that love is not over rated. That what I did believe to be "real life love" was actually feasible. That all the things people say about loving somebody more than one's own self, all that is possible, and not just in greeting cards. And for never complaining when she didn't get all that in return. I'll miss you, Red. And I have a feeling that some part of me will aways love you.

P.S.: If you're reading this, life without you really sucks....but then, you already know that.

23.

22/03/1985.

22/03/2008.

23 years. 23 years since my arrival into this crazy world, since this wild ride called "Life" started...for me of course, life was here much before that. That's the only relatively significant happening I can boast of since I last came out here to write. And a couple of weeks ( that's also exactly how late this post is ) down the line even that seems insignificant....just a change in the digits and a realisation that time is passing me by, that's all I'm left with after the D-day has passed and celebrations attached have died down...that and a few greeting cards and a mother of all hangovers. And it sucks having a festival and birthday coincide....got 34 Holi greetings, 4 calls for the birthday wishes, so much for Mr. Popularity. Not to forget that it's also a "Dry Day"...but trust me to take care of that. The birthday evening just drilled in the fact that my social life shot itself in the head, which in turn points towards why there's nothing" happening" to report. So that explains the header for the post, lame as it is...but then, it goes well with rest of ad libbing I'm doing here under the pretence of writing. But then, small good things have been happening that help me along...help me retain enough enthusiasm to say "Life looks good." That's another thing that my head starts screaming the choicest of explicit adjectives when people ask me how my life's going. That should explain the weird look on my face every time I answer that question. And I know I'm straying off the topic and rambling on again...but I never did claim to have any talent for this, did I?

Honestly, I really want to crib and complain and bitch about life ( though I think I did succeed in that a lil' bit, my apologies ) and certain people in it right now, a LOT, in fact I had the whole thing worked out in my head, how I would go through pouring out my woes one by one to unsuspecting strangers...but I won't ( you can take a sigh of relief now ). Two reasons. You don't care and I don't want to because I know you don't want me to. Nice and simple.

I hope to be back soon...hopefully with something good this time, show streaks of some talent, give the people something they'll like eh? And finally, there are these lyrics that I feel come pretty close to describing my state of mind right now. So I'll leave you with them. Today, I feel unwell.

"All day, staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall.
All night, hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something.
Hold on
I'm feeling like I'm headed for a, breakdown.
I don't know why.
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell...."

Strangers.

Strangers.
You and I.
That's what we are.

I don't know you.
You don't know me.
It seems like an eternity that i've been staring.
And without blinking, you stare back.
Both trying to comprehend the others mind.
And the inadequacy to do so lingers in the air.
Chaos racing through the mind.
The world looks at us and says we belong together.
Say we know each other inside out.
But here tonight.
Strangers.
You and I.
That's what we are.

I try to work out the jigsaw in my head.
Did I come up to you first?
Or was it you?
And who spoke that first unheard sentence ?
That spoke more than a million words.
With a look that deafened with its silence.
I try, but my memory can't go back that far.
After all the sleepless nights with you.
And cursing you, I pull the plug.
You're gone....

A mere reflection.
Holding thoughts of mine I don't know.
Strangers.
You and I.
That's what we are.

I Came, I Wrote, I Slept.

Well, writing this post is gonna be hell of a pain because my keyboard's been pretty screwed up the last couple of weeks and insists on eating up letters at will, and to top it all I am sleepy...which sometimes can be disastrous...like the time in an e-mail it typed out "it seems you suck at work" where I was supposed to say " it seems you're stuck at work"...the little ' didn't help...but that's a whole different woe of mine. That's always been a problem...can never focus on one topic in my mind, one dish at a buffet, one girl in a crowd....you get the drift. Ok, I don't know how much attention you guys have been paying to whatever I insist on writing, I mean you don't have to, it's not like i'm going to take an exam....but once i'd written something about "Ghosts from the past" ....how they always catch up with you when you least expect and how it's good that they do...blah blah...just read the goddamn post again. What i'm trying to get at is that turned out to be true...i'd written that just on an impulse of thought and for once something I said actually happened and it made sense!! You can probably guess how euphoric I feel right now....after a lifetime of making statements that didn't stand an iota of a chance of coming out to be true something comes along that changes everything...

Now let's see..what else's been happening last fortnight....there was another marriage in the family...got a few more coming up pretty soon...and my mum's trying to find a "nice" girl for my bro to get married to....so that could be another one. I know that's a lot of weddings, but with an extended family as huge as mine's you kinda get used to it. But the marriage was good...the usual drinks, dance and dressing routine. And at the end of it another one bites the dust.

It might be the Goa hangover, or maybe the more-than-average clubbing trips...but have been fascinated by trance ever since i've got back....downloaded a hell of a lot of albums, my i-pods flowing with trance and for some reason am downloading "Virtual DJ 5.6". I don't know what i'm gonna do with it yet..but of course i'm gonna keep you guys posted on that. Another thing that has been keeping me hooked is "South Park". The bastards kill Kenny everytime....but I love the series, and the movie was amazingly hilarious. Must watch stuff.

Have a couple more things in my mind that I wanna write about but they need dedicated posts the way i'm thinking about them for now, and because if I post two posts at the same time...one of them gets left out of the comments, i'm gonna get to that in a few days. (Just keep reminding me 'cause i'm sure i'll forget!!) Till then , take care...and here's a lil' something to keep you smiling until next time. Done with the first two, now to get to the third...gotta get some sleep...well lots of it actually, is sunday today!! Cheers!!

Everybody's Changing... And I Don't Feel The Same....

I can't believe I let the dumbest post i must've ever written occupy the header position for this long..I really should've got to writing something much sooner. But that's the thing about not doing anything over a period of time...once you get used to it, it spreads over like a parasite to every single thing you're supposed to be doing. Who am I kidding?? I'm just plain ol' boring lazy. And because i've spent almost all of last month with the least amount of thinking required, i'll not be really surprised if this post knocks down my litereary skills by a few notches. Anyways it's time for me to put these thoughts buzzing around my head into alphabetic bodies and let them out. So here we go...

So it has been exactly a month since the last post...so that's one resolution i've not been living up to, writing more regularly, guess i'll have to work on that. But the past one month has been...hmmm...can't really find the right adjective here...has been amazing at times, at times has gone exceedingly bad...but the word i'm looking for here would be something akin to what a spiritualist would term "enlightning". Something about self-discovery and all that kinda stuff. It's been about new experiences, the exhilirataion of endless joy, the pain of regret...and about the unexpected, that the worse case scenarios are for real. And at this time, I can feel something's changed...in my life, not me if that's what you were hoping for. People just go through their lives looking for that moment where they feel they will be really and truly happy..and when they see an opportunity to get that perfect moment they'll do anything humanely possible to make that moment real, to seize it....and when you're living that little amount of time you've got, it's like the future and the past do not exist...nothing else's real except for that moment, you just have to have it, you crave for it's taste...and after a while when the moment is gone they'll keep it engraved in there memory, and keep looking back at it and hope that something just as good will come there way pretty soon...

And I don't know how much of what I just wrote made sense to you..but tough luck...I get to choose what I write!! Okay...i'm pretty much done with the philosophical talk, you can stop yawning now...

Last three weeks have been doing nothing but chilling out...started work this monday, new place, new people...and after such a long break, it takes a lot to get back in the groove. Had an amazing holiday...that's what I was talking about when I was blabbering on about new experiences and perfect moments and all that mumbo-jumbo. Had a couple of hit-n-run attempts by the motoring-maniacs of Delhi roads....have survived unscathed till now ( except for a bruise on my elbow...). And Delhi had been friggin' cold, but it's getting better now...but you already know that if you live here or watch the weather channel. Haven't read any new books...watched a hell of a lot of movies to discuss. Lots been happening in the world probably in the last month...but than I won't really comment on anything...i'm too politically correct and frankly my dear, I don't give a damn!! Well, atleast not today....

And today, incidentally, happens to be Valentine's Day...so Happy Valentine's Day to everybody...or the way I like to call it "Stupid-Cupid" Day. Hope all of you remembered your roses, n chocolates n stuffed toys n mushy cards....and yes i'm home..writing this blog on this evening...'cause I already had my V-day..which just shows it's not really about the date...the "14th of Feb"...it's just another ordinary day, just that we choose to make it special. Any day can be special...the stuff about special moments again. I guess I've come a full circle now, so I should wind it up for now. And hey...just for the heck of doing something interesting...with your comments let me know what you did on your Valentines'...that could be fun right? ;)