The Aftermath...& A Few Lil' Secrets.

It's been a whole month now, and I've been holding up much better than I'd thought I'd be able to manage. Single, sane and still surviving. And it seems to be getting better with time.I read this in a book once that time is the best narcotic for pain. Either the pain disappears when it runs its course or a person learns to live with it. At this moment in time something of both is applicable. The pain has not disappeared but there is less of it.The easy going slow pace on the work front is one thing I'm not really appreciating though, cause this is the one time that I could use some of the usual frantic pace involved to keep me occupied. Up until now I haven't told anybody personally about the events that transpired, and the two guys that somehow did manage to run across the blog (which goes to say a lot about how popular the blog is..) to find out have nothing more to offer than buying me a round of drinks so I can "let it out", as they put it. Which roughly means that I should get drunk and then bitch and whine about how things got screwed up. And that's why I haven't played along and don't plan on doing so, I've got nothing to bitch or whine about, I know where and how things got screwed up and I'm not pissed off at anybody. And one of the main reasons is I don't wanna be drunk when I'm sad. I've seen how pathetic I can get when I do that. Total nightmare...you don't wanna know.

Life has changed quite a lot too ever since the thing happened. There are obviously ways in which you expect things to change. Like dealing with all the emotional stuff you have to go through, analyzing what went wrong where and what the future holds. Then there are the slightly uncomfortable social situations where everybody starts wondering why you wanna hang out with them all the time all of a sudden, or how much you've started calling up your friends lately. Communications are affected. I haven't been online to talk to anybody for the whole month now. The Vodafone people must be wondering in awe if this month's phone bill was really mine, the guy who'd managed to sky-rocket his credit limit from a measly 3000 to a whopper of 10,000 bucks. Sleeping patterns are affected. The insomnia still prevails but for totally different reasons. It goes along the pattern of a Sine curve. At the beginning, fresh into love, you're getting no sleep, it's all just so exhilarating. Then as things start to settle down a bit, the amount of sleep you can manage increases...and then with the break-up it's back to zero. Entertainment is affected. Here it's mostly about what could trigger off the depression. Like I've been skipping almost three-fourths of the songs on my play list ( and now I've also got to learn why couples have "our song" and not "our freakin' whole god-damn play list"...once you've split you don't lose out on listening to all your fav songs)...cause they can be potential triggers. Ditto for movies, tv-shows or places you like to hang out at. And these "triggers" can also help in evaluating how much better you're getting....like the day I can sit and listen to "Almost Here" without feeling a thing I'll know I'm good.

And as always, I've tried to analyze what I did learn at the end of it all. And that would be that I've this tendency to get too complacent once I think that things are going along smoothly. And I haven't got what it takes to carry forward a long-distance relationship. That's just not my thing..... ok, I guess that about enough for now, about the whole thing, maybe I should move on to something else. Some of the guys on the blogroll have been seeming kinda down lately ( that's for Adi, Shyma and J with his visa problems) ....hope things are getting better now. Hmmm....next time I think I should try writing about something more interesting... like why i love to hate celeb couples, or why i think blogging is one step away from being termed sadistic, or why i really feel that I have super-powers, it's just that the accident where they are revealed to me hasn't occurred yet. If you believe me in the last one, you'll probably me my arch nemesis. If you don't you'll probably wind up as my side-kick.

I saw this tag on Sam's blog and thought of trying it out. It's supposed to be about revealing ten secrets, but the way it's going I think it could be better described as "10 facts about me that I can think of now" or something like that..cause I didn't see anybody reveal any secrets, and some secrets can get ugly....and I only want you to see my favorite side of me and not my ugly side ( I know I shouldn't stoop as low as quoting songs word to word...but it just fits, doesn't it??), so I'll play it safe. Anyways here goes nothing...

1. At age 14 my parents wanted me to go see a shrink. And they still do.
2. When I'm around girls and I speak in Hindi, for some weird reason it comes out with this accent that I didn't know existed until it happened the first time....and I've no idea why it happens. Honest.
3. In my 6 years in Delhi, I haven't made any friends. Made contacts, made acquaintances... no friends.
4. I will never share my food with a person if he/she had the option of having the same thing I'm having.
5. I can get really uncomfortable talking to people on the phone.
6. I like going to sleep with stuffed toys next to me. Kinda feels good...
7. I'd never tell a girl that I love her just to get her in bed. However I think one night stands are okay, as long as there's no cheating involved.
8. I have really terrible luck. It's no secret, but it's getting tough to come up with ten of these things.
9. A woman's feet can be a major turn-on or turn-off for me. Call it a kink or foot fetish or whatever, but I check out the feet.
10. I think I've got a good sense of humor...but with a terrible sense of timing, so it doesn't help me in any way.

Ok, so that's ten for me. If anybody wants to do it, let me know once you're done. And I'll head out of here for now. Got loads of "Single in the City" articles to catch up on.... ;)

The Trouble With Love Is...

After a relatively mind-numbing month spent contemplating whether I should resume the blog or let the "farewell" post stay up as I intended it to, events of the last week have given me some kinda reason to come back around. Rather ironically, if I may add.

So, I could quote a hundred songs about it or a million words....but at the end of it all nothing else but two words are enough to bring me to reality of it all. Su's gone. Forever. Period. No re-conciliations this time around, no second chances to make amends. Just like that, one day I wake up and it all vanishes. Not the love, just the chance to make it last. And in a way, Life, at least for the blog, has come a full circle. It all started with a heartache, then somehow out of nowhere came "the love", and now it's time for he heartache again, and it keeps getting worse each time. One place where practice doesn't really make perfect. And it's ironical, at least I feel it's ironical, maybe that's the wrong word to use in the context, because she'd said that she would stop talking to me if I didn't get working and put something up on the blog real soon.

Ok, I'll be honest. We both knew it'd come to this one of these days. But, and I'm gonna quote Su' herself over here...."In the middle of an ordinary life, love gives us a fairytale." And along with that a hope, that somehow everything will go right. That somehow, some way, you can make anything possible. And that's exactly where I, or rather we, forgot the ground rules of how the real world functions. We don't always get things the way we want. And as the curtains fall down on another chapter of my life, I muse on what hurts the most. Deleting all the signs that a person you love more than anything else ever existed, or having to forget a whole year of your life just because every little memory reminds you of that person, or the feeling that a couple of years down the line, the other person may not even recall who you are, or at least pretend to do so.

Anyways, I know the best thing to do now is to move on. Just wish it was as simple as the "Fast-Track" advertisements. And as always, I did learn something, came out a little bit wiser. And at the risk of sounding totally goofy, I'd really like to thank Su' for one thing. For taking the scepticism out of me. For showing me that love is not over rated. That what I did believe to be "real life love" was actually feasible. That all the things people say about loving somebody more than one's own self, all that is possible, and not just in greeting cards. And for never complaining when she didn't get all that in return. I'll miss you, Red. And I have a feeling that some part of me will aways love you.

P.S.: If you're reading this, life without you really sucks....but then, you already know that.

23.

22/03/1985.

22/03/2008.

23 years. 23 years since my arrival into this crazy world, since this wild ride called "Life" started...for me of course, life was here much before that. That's the only relatively significant happening I can boast of since I last came out here to write. And a couple of weeks ( that's also exactly how late this post is ) down the line even that seems insignificant....just a change in the digits and a realisation that time is passing me by, that's all I'm left with after the D-day has passed and celebrations attached have died down...that and a few greeting cards and a mother of all hangovers. And it sucks having a festival and birthday coincide....got 34 Holi greetings, 4 calls for the birthday wishes, so much for Mr. Popularity. Not to forget that it's also a "Dry Day"...but trust me to take care of that. The birthday evening just drilled in the fact that my social life shot itself in the head, which in turn points towards why there's nothing" happening" to report. So that explains the header for the post, lame as it is...but then, it goes well with rest of ad libbing I'm doing here under the pretence of writing. But then, small good things have been happening that help me along...help me retain enough enthusiasm to say "Life looks good." That's another thing that my head starts screaming the choicest of explicit adjectives when people ask me how my life's going. That should explain the weird look on my face every time I answer that question. And I know I'm straying off the topic and rambling on again...but I never did claim to have any talent for this, did I?

Honestly, I really want to crib and complain and bitch about life ( though I think I did succeed in that a lil' bit, my apologies ) and certain people in it right now, a LOT, in fact I had the whole thing worked out in my head, how I would go through pouring out my woes one by one to unsuspecting strangers...but I won't ( you can take a sigh of relief now ). Two reasons. You don't care and I don't want to because I know you don't want me to. Nice and simple.

I hope to be back soon...hopefully with something good this time, show streaks of some talent, give the people something they'll like eh? And finally, there are these lyrics that I feel come pretty close to describing my state of mind right now. So I'll leave you with them. Today, I feel unwell.

"All day, staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall.
All night, hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something.
Hold on
I'm feeling like I'm headed for a, breakdown.
I don't know why.
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell...."

Strangers.

Strangers.
You and I.
That's what we are.

I don't know you.
You don't know me.
It seems like an eternity that i've been staring.
And without blinking, you stare back.
Both trying to comprehend the others mind.
And the inadequacy to do so lingers in the air.
Chaos racing through the mind.
The world looks at us and says we belong together.
Say we know each other inside out.
But here tonight.
Strangers.
You and I.
That's what we are.

I try to work out the jigsaw in my head.
Did I come up to you first?
Or was it you?
And who spoke that first unheard sentence ?
That spoke more than a million words.
With a look that deafened with its silence.
I try, but my memory can't go back that far.
After all the sleepless nights with you.
And cursing you, I pull the plug.
You're gone....

A mere reflection.
Holding thoughts of mine I don't know.
Strangers.
You and I.
That's what we are.

I Came, I Wrote, I Slept.

Well, writing this post is gonna be hell of a pain because my keyboard's been pretty screwed up the last couple of weeks and insists on eating up letters at will, and to top it all I am sleepy...which sometimes can be disastrous...like the time in an e-mail it typed out "it seems you suck at work" where I was supposed to say " it seems you're stuck at work"...the little ' didn't help...but that's a whole different woe of mine. That's always been a problem...can never focus on one topic in my mind, one dish at a buffet, one girl in a crowd....you get the drift. Ok, I don't know how much attention you guys have been paying to whatever I insist on writing, I mean you don't have to, it's not like i'm going to take an exam....but once i'd written something about "Ghosts from the past" ....how they always catch up with you when you least expect and how it's good that they do...blah blah...just read the goddamn post again. What i'm trying to get at is that turned out to be true...i'd written that just on an impulse of thought and for once something I said actually happened and it made sense!! You can probably guess how euphoric I feel right now....after a lifetime of making statements that didn't stand an iota of a chance of coming out to be true something comes along that changes everything...

Now let's see..what else's been happening last fortnight....there was another marriage in the family...got a few more coming up pretty soon...and my mum's trying to find a "nice" girl for my bro to get married to....so that could be another one. I know that's a lot of weddings, but with an extended family as huge as mine's you kinda get used to it. But the marriage was good...the usual drinks, dance and dressing routine. And at the end of it another one bites the dust.

It might be the Goa hangover, or maybe the more-than-average clubbing trips...but have been fascinated by trance ever since i've got back....downloaded a hell of a lot of albums, my i-pods flowing with trance and for some reason am downloading "Virtual DJ 5.6". I don't know what i'm gonna do with it yet..but of course i'm gonna keep you guys posted on that. Another thing that has been keeping me hooked is "South Park". The bastards kill Kenny everytime....but I love the series, and the movie was amazingly hilarious. Must watch stuff.

Have a couple more things in my mind that I wanna write about but they need dedicated posts the way i'm thinking about them for now, and because if I post two posts at the same time...one of them gets left out of the comments, i'm gonna get to that in a few days. (Just keep reminding me 'cause i'm sure i'll forget!!) Till then , take care...and here's a lil' something to keep you smiling until next time. Done with the first two, now to get to the third...gotta get some sleep...well lots of it actually, is sunday today!! Cheers!!