The Other I.

Alter ego: An alter ego (Latin, "the other I") is a second self, a second personality or persona within a person.

PROLOGUE: Greetings to the readers. Today I won't be writing the post. And I have a pretty good reason for that. A very good friend of mine, someone I've known for as long as I can remember,who perhaps got annoyed by the hours I've been spending trying to come up with something to write, has decided to take up things in his own hands. And he offered to write about me, so there was no way I could have said no. just hope he doesn't reveal too many of my well-kept secrets. But without further delay, I'll pass over the keyboard to our guest writer.

What's all the fuss about anyway? Hmmm....I wonder what his interpretation of "the fuss" is. Is it the world with all it's chaos, or the life we've shared.

We haven't been together from the start. Kenny was there before I arrived on the scene (long story for some other day). But then as per the nomenclature norms, a technical default if you will, I took over. Anant Seam. The world came to know Kenny through me. But out here in the blogging world, it's the other way around. You know me through Kenny, I'm just the name on the email address. And that's because he chooses to listen to the so called "voices in his head" and reveals my life in words for the world to read. Did anyone of you ever got around to ask him why he writes in italics? It's because he's just jotting down thoughts, my thoughts, and analyzing and interpreting them, instead of just making straight forward statements like I do. I live in the world, Ken...well he has his own twisted fantasy world.

Kenny's the guy who won't let me get up in the morning to go to work because he can't ever think of himself stuck in a rut working in a tedious cycle, no matter how detached he gets when I do get to work. I think he's just lazy and unfocused. He's the guy thanks to whom, I'm up at five on a Sunday. He wants me to quit my job, and retire and settle somewhere along a beach in a few years, putting all my plans in jeopardy. He hates the ties I wear to meetings, and it's a big task to keep his hands of my neck to tear it off. He's the guy who keeps me up all night delving deep into his thoughts and mine, asking for reasons and solutions. And he's at it until I get too emotionally involved and am on a brink of a nervous breakdown. But than thankfully, he's also the guy who whispers in my ear, "Just f*ck it!!!" and gives me a pretty decent reason why I should do that. He hates literature, says it's always better to make up your own quotes than to quote others. I think that explains what he's been doing here all this while. I read the books that help him form his own quotes. He's never been the one to be bothered about making impressions on people's minds, and he won't fake it. If he doesn't like you he announces his displeasure. Still, he's the one who makes all the friends. I hate him for that. I have to curb him and be the diplomatic one. Kenny's the hopeless romantic. He's the one who falls in love all the time and I'm the one who ends up paying for it (both emotionally and financially). For some reason he can't seem to stay detached from the rigors of love and all the baggage that it brings along. He craves for it, and he drags me along with him. And I must say he does find some pretty amazing women. Honestly I can't say that I regret being with any one of them. I often joke to him that he hates being single because he knows that if he doesn't find anybody he'll be stuck with me, but then I also realize that maybe he's doing it more for me than for himself. He thinks I'm pretty boring, too worldly wise for his tastes. I think his ways are too wild for me. All his Saturday night's alcoholic liaisons, with me ending up nursing the Sunday morning hangovers. The cigarettes he manages to sneak into my day when I'm trying to quit. The tattoos he wants to engrave on my body. The haircuts he's made me carry off. The nights spent with him wondering what the hell I was doing there. But that's the way it has to be.

Being held together by the physical limitations of a body as compared to the endless limits of the mind, Kenny and I have worked out a system for survival, we know who works best where, so that keeps us from tipping over the edge to what the shrinks would term "schizophrenia". He knows when he's supposed to fade out, I know where I'm supposed too fill in. Want to know how to make a Manhattan? Talk to Kenny. Want to discuss the economy? Come to me. I make contacts. He makes friends. He finds love. I plan the date. It's all a nice little habitat, with each role defined. And that's life as we'll know it. Watching each others backs.Kenny n' me.

Basically I'm complicated
I have a hard time taking the easy way
I wouldn't call it schizophrenia
But I'll be at least two people today....

P.s. : I really hadn't plan to give out any of his secrets..but after he mentioned it...the offer was too tempting...so...so he won't be giving away any secrets, cause he's out now, the blogger is my role, I can take over whenever I want. At the end, the words at the bottom will always say "Posted by Kenny". :)

Begin. End. Repeat.

Those of you who thought I was dead or something....tough luck, I'm still alive and unfortunately for those of you who're actually reading this, I'm still "thinking" enough to try and come back and write out the voices brimming over in this head of mine.

To the purists who claim that it's necessary to update blogs at regular intervals to uphold their sanctity...I apologize. I know three months is too long to be called a break.

Where was I all this while? Still trapped in this maze of life, trying to work my way through it. But the online "avatar" of it that most of us can't do without in this age.....just seemed to have been disconnected. It's not just the blog...I haven't read any other blogger's post in the last three months, with a couple of exceptions, left just one comment all this while, no Facebooks or Orkuts, no personal mails. I've been asked about when I'd get to update...only to end up either lying about it or ignoring the query altogether. People have put up missing signs for me out in cyberspace. It's not that I didn't have anything to write about, a lot has happened in the months that have passed, life has changed...and I could have worked something up, just didn't feel the inner urge to do so. Didn't feel there was really something going on in my mind that absolutely needed to be put into words. I would've called it a writer's block...but I'm not that creative so as to claim one. Let's just call it being extremely lazy...and that should wind up all of my excuses for now.
To borrow a thought from "Seinfeld"...this post is basically about NOTHING. Updates on life would take too long, given the sheer volume of the time that has passed since the last post. This is just an attempt to reclaim lost turf, trying to break back into the Blogger's skin. Maybe next time (it'll be soon...so no funny comments about that!!) I'll write something more interesting.

If anybody's wondering about the title...that is IF anybody's reading at all...it's just something that's been in my mind for a while. How life is all about changes...how in a way it all comes to you in phases. The whole "What goes around comes back around" thing. How you always get another chance to make things work. And after this long sojourn, you could call this another "phase" for this blog. One which will be hopefully be a more interesting read for you people out there. One where for once, I'll think that I've written something that does completely satisfy me, word to word...unlike this post. One where I'm more regular with the posts (that's what they told me to say). :P
It's Saturday...and I really need to get out now. I'll be back pretty soon though...and I do hope some people do drop by. "Begin"'s done. "End"'s done. Repeat will be next time...till then, Cheers!!

This, That...n' Other Stuff.

Ok, so maybe i went a lil' bit overboard in my last post, wallowing in my misery and self-pity. It seemed like a good enough idea at the time I wrote it, but like the wise ones always say...think twice before you hit "Enter". But I did exaggerate...I don't hate my life that much, considering I'm not that fond of the other option. One funny thing I did notice, though , was that when I asked you guys about how you were doing, a lot of people showed up...and when I started to talk about it, most of them are gone (Yeah..11 comments are a big deal for me...what is it to you??). But then I do agree with you...I mean what kinda comment would you leave a guy who's whining on and on about his life? Ok..this is starting to sound like complaining. I'm not complaining. I'm just trying to get warmed up before I realize what this post is gonna be all about....

Well, it has been while since I did an update on what's been going on in 'My Life' ( and the last post doesn't count here...that was just a classic example of being caught in a weak moment). So I'll do one of those point-to-point updates most people do. So here goes...

- After two months of sleepless nights, momentary insanity (again use the last post as a reference) and going over the facts again and again, I think, or I'd like to believe that i am finally at peace over whatever ensued between Su' and me. It's a long story how the moment of realization came about (involves a weird dream...guess with a brain that screwed up only that'd have worked), but after giving it all the thought I could muster up, I realize that whatever happened, in the end...I won't say was all for good...but that it's not all lost. All the how's and why's just sorted out, and now I'm feeling way better.

- I'm definitely liking the new sarcastic side of me that's sprung up quite nicely over the last few weeks, after being neatly packed up and forgotten about for quite some time now. It's not a great way to live socially, you don't make any friends....but it's damn satisfying!!

- G is getting married in October. This October. G happens to be my best friend since the school days. The weird part is....he's 23 and he's totally not freaked out that he's getting married. I was speechless when I first got to hear about it. Ditto all my other buddies. But this guy's cool as ice. 'Just another day at work...and in the evening...ohh...I'll get married.' Something like that. And that for some reason, I find hard to believe. I don't care how much you're in love or whatever....you're 23 and getting married. Gimme something!!

- My ciggie habit had also resurfaced over the last couple of months, but any chances of going back full-time again got nipped in the bud, thanks to my dad and his twisted sense of humor. Seems he found out somehow, and on the phone I'm asking him about why he's getting so adamant about getting my bro married real soon. To which he replies, "I'm going to be retired soon. I'll have loads of free time. And to keep me occupied I'll need grandchildren. And at the rate you're going with your ciggies I'm not sure if I should be expecting any from you so...".
Below the belt. But Touché Dad!!

-And among other things...I've found out that I have lost my ability to sit long enough to watch a whole Hindi movie at one go, that I can't work without taking an hourly break (seems to be a pattern there, I think) and that for some reason people have this illusion that I give great advice, even if I repeatedly tell them they'd be better off listening to the Devil instead of me, they always manage to come back. And I wanna get back to learn to play the guitar.

And I've no idea about what would be a great way to sign off. I've been thinking about it for last 10 minutes and nothing came up. So I'll leave with a quote...not mine. Just something to think about.


"You can be obsessed by remorse all your life, not because you chose the wrong thing - you can always repent, atone: but because you never had the chance to prove to yourself that you would have chosen the right thing."

I have no idea why I wrote that...

Aaaaarrrrghh!!!

After all these days, it's all come down to this.

What happens when you become all of the things you always thought you hated? Do you learn to accept those things? Or do you start hating yourself??

Today, I don't know how or what to feel....
I look at myself in the mirror and can just think of the ways I've let myself down. My emotions are puppets in the hands of other people. I fall in love with the wrong people at the wrong time. And once in I've no idea how to get out. All my life I distanced myself from people...and now today I haven't got anybody I can tell how I really feel. I look up to people I don't even know to give me a comforting word or smile. My envy has reached a point where I think it has a mind of its own, it strikes without a warning. I get hurt...but I can't express the pain, and that hurts even more. I can't stop this voice in my head from getting obsessed about trivial issues that the sane part of me doesn't even care about. I have no idea where my life is headed. I'm a whore for money....but money isn't helping my mind. I live a lie every single day, because I've led people to believe that I live a charmed life that couldn't be any more perfect...and I'd rather live that illusion than show people how vulnerable I actually am. I stay up nights thinking if I've gone crazy (the timings of my last few blog posts should confirm that). I think I am crazy. I'd like to be crazy. That way I'd have an excuse.

Today I'm disappointed in myself. Today I'm the sum of all the things I never wanted to be.

Today the lil' guy in my head has been screaming all day long. Today I'm smiling, hoping my fake happiness will drown him out.

Let's Talk.

So, how are you today?

Yeah...you, now don't act so surprised. You, the person staring intently at your desktop/laptop screen trying to get a glimpse of the weird little thing I call my life...yeah, I AM talking to YOU. You didn't think all I do here is tell my story and get done with it, did you? No, I think of it as a two way conversation...except here I get to speak more, and nobody interrupts me until I'm done. So today i thought I'd let you talk...so I'm asking, how are you today?

And don't say you're fine. The same f-ing answer we keep on repeating day after day never really meaning it. Everybody says "I'm fine"( Also a movie directed by Rahul Bose in 2002...todays' useless trivia). But tell me, how do you really feel today? C'mon, I'm giving you a chance nobody else might...say whatever you want to say. Out of love? Ridiculously happy in love? Got an A-hole for a boss? Having the best day ever? Hate your job? Love your job? Wanna kill your neighbor? Or a colleague? Looking great today? Having a bad hair day? Didn't notice your fly had been open all day? Can't stop smiling? Want to tell me to go f&#k myself? Just tell me. This time you speak first. I'll listen. And not judge. None of that.

That's just the kind of mood I'm in today. And I'm not even drunk...

Bon Appétit!!

Cooking is an art. I am not an artist.

Now most people would've left it at that an got on with their lives. But, as the legend goes, Kenny never gives up without a fight, specially when his food is at stake...because he has a lot of free time. In my honest opinion cooking as an art form has a lot of advantages over its contemporaries. You don't need to be naturally talented for it, if you have enough flair and enough practice, you can be just as good. You don't need an audience to appreciate or judge your work, as long as your taste-buds are in perfect condition. You don't have to be totally original, and your masterpieces have a great repeat value....who would mind having a sumptuous meal week after week? And, like with all art forms, I've found over time that cooking can be an excellent conversation starter with the ladies. ( Ok kiddos!! Take notes...firstly the women are intrigued by men who have dared venture into what's mostly termed as their domain - namely "the kitchen". Two, brush up on the basic cooking jargon but don't try to pass yourself off as an expert...because if you're not you WILL be found out. Three, try talking about this dish you've been trying but hasn't worked out for some reason...read up about the dish from a cookbook before you do that...and the women, nice people that they are, always like to help out. And they also like the fact that you're willing to admit that you're doing something wrong...one thing they think most men lack. So you score extra brownie points for that!!)

Anyways, the topic's art of cooking and not flirting so without further distractions. Cooking has always appealed to the curious side of me, whether it was helping out my mum in the kitchen as a 7 year old and wondering in awe as the seemingly normal ingredients came together to form all those dishes. Or as a teenager when the kitchen was my favorite experimental lab during summer holidays. But then moving out of house, in the last six years I never really got around to get myself to cook again. That is until a normal Saturday, which would've gone with the usual routine of takeaway food and eating joints. But fate had other plans...as rummaging through my closet I came face to face with the only cookery book I've ever bought ( I was feeling kinda bad for the salesman at this bookstore where I'd spent a good two hours going through the comic books...so I'd picked up a book on 'Italian Cooking' on my way out. ) As I sat there flipping through the pages I came across this illustration...and I knew that was what I HAD to have for lunch. There was this feeling i can't really explain. Ok, for the guys I can try to term an analogy...remember when as hormone ravaged teenagers we used to flip to the centerfold of our "dirty" mags and look at the model and wonder, dumb-struck in our awe, what those boobs would feel like?? We couldn't put it in words because none of us really knew...but we knew it had to be awesome!! That's the feeling I'm talking about. And girls...after that example I'm sure you must be thanking your stars that I'm not gonna try and think one out for you too.

So there I was, seduced by " Pasta Amatriciana". So after a short trip to the mart I was ready to begin. I had the ingredients, I had my recipe, I had my beer to accompany the meal...what could possibly go wrong?? And exactly an hour and a half later I learn the following things :
- The extra seasoning of a dash of human blood you involuntarily add to the list of ingredients while chopping onions doesn't really help the flavor. It doesn't do your finger any good either...
- The kitchen is a mystical place in another dimension where all logics of time and measurement cease to exist. The chef's 15 minutes seemed much shorter than my 15 minutes. The chef's recipe's for serving four, I figure I'll make enough for two and halve the ingredients...doesn't add up!!
- When you come across some fancy sounding term that you don't understand, don't go "Ooohhh!! Big Italian chef with all his bloody fancy lingo!!" Big mistake. Go through the glossary at the end or look them up on the net. It's better than eating something raw or over cooked or just plain miserable.
- Stick to the rules. If it's your first time cooking, this is not the place you want to let the rebel in you out. Since your entire digestive system is at stake, you'll see the sense in that. You can leave the experimentation for later.
- If in the end it doesn't turn out well, blame the Mr. Big-shot Italian cook in his big fancy Italian kitchen, drinking Italian wine with his hot Italian wife. Probably drives a Ferrari too. Grrrr.....I so hate that guy!!

At the end of it, I was staring at a plate of what looked to me like the "evil twin" of the dish I'd ran into earlier in the picture. Maybe it lacks the looks, maybe it has a beautiful inner soul...the spiritualist in me says. Wrong again.

Cooking is an art. I am not a cook.....yet. As the legend continues, Kenny gets knocked out...he gets up again.
But at that moment I was just another guy with two cans of beer. My masterpiece is yet to come.

P.S.: This happens to be my 50th post at this place. 50 special moments spent in Blogsville, good, bad, weird, got all kinds....and thanks to all the wonderful people who've dropped by, pretended that they've read all through the post and left a nice comment at the end...ok, just kidding!! So today I raise a toast, to the place where I came to lose my mind....and found out I wasn't the only one. Cheers!!
P.P.S. : I've started replying to the comments you guys leave on my posts taking a cue from the other bloggers (don't wanna end up being labeled snobbish!!). So if you're the kind of person who's into that stuff, just though I'd let you guys know...starting with my previous post. And Life's good......

I'm Just A Guy...

DISCLAIMER: The views expressed below are my personal thoughts and do not necessarily apply to a group as a whole...that is unless they want to. And guys, if you don't agree with whatever I'm going to say, please don't beat me up. And if you do agree with me...still, please don't beat me up!!

In retrospect, I guess I just have myself to blame for bringing this upon myself. With a blogroll in which seven out of ten bloggers are female, plus that I'm more inclined to read blogs put up by girls (not really my fault...the female mind always did intrigue me more!!) it was inevitable. And I thought, well, considering I have an opinion on everything...why don't express it this time as well. It all started with the posts. Posts where the subject of guys would crop up.....we were the bad guys, the people with no emotions, some even said we had no hearts, that we didn't belong in a civilized world, we couldn't give or command respect, we lived under illusions that we were "knights" and so on. Firstly, let me tell you this...girls, you are right. I know I could get butchered by the guys for this but it's true. Of the ten things that you think are wrong with us, all of us have at least eight of them genetically engraved onto our DNA. So why does it bother me, if I'm already submitting to the fact that it is true? Simple, because I'm a guy, I'm one of them, and then I'm really not....actually lots of us are not, but we live double lives divided between the "cliche' guy" definition and who we really are...just because of the reasoning that you belong with the majority unless you can prove otherwise.

So who are we? We are the guys who woke up one day and thought that maybe there was something wrong with us, something on which all of your accusations could be based upon...and we ventured out to find what that was and to change it. We were going against every natural instinct of ours, we were going against "the tribe"...but we were just getting bloody tired of being ridiculed all along. So we tried. We were just as curious as the others about you when we first saw you, but we recognized the fact that ogling at your cleavage was not the way to express that. We did have sex on our minds, but then we also knew that it was not necessary to express that every time you're around. We were brought up in a world that said to us "real men don't have emotions"....but we didn't accept that and poked around inside, and we discovered that we have them just as much, if not more, than you do. We had enough reasoning to establish that remarking about how great your ass looks is not a great way to start a conversation. The thought of being in your bad books is really discomforting for us, so we think and we think and we think again in every single thing involving you so that no bad vibes are there. We respect your intelligence as much as we admire your physical attributes (and we know enough not to be vocal about it!!). We, like any other guy, could get possessive about our women, but we wouldn't ever let it show in front of you...maybe we'd punch holes in the bedroom wall when you'd go out for drinks with that handsome guy from work, but we wouldn't let you know how possessive we are. We knew that Knights are of no use when there are no damsels to be rescued. That's us. Us?? Am I one of these guys? I know it was pretty easy for me to acknowledge that this is my space and take some liberties....so I won't judge that, the "we" is just representative of those who belong. All I'll say is that there are guys like that, who want to change the way the equation of the sexes stands...and you know that just as well as we do. And I don't know what exactly I'm hoping to achieve by writing all of this, but I do feel the need to let the "voices in my head" out once in a while...so I'm just doing that. The main idea here is just that...there's good with the bad...so just don't give up on us yet. We're trying to change. Honest...not a cliche' guy "honest", "honest" the way you want it to mean. ;)

The Aftermath...& A Few Lil' Secrets.

It's been a whole month now, and I've been holding up much better than I'd thought I'd be able to manage. Single, sane and still surviving. And it seems to be getting better with time.I read this in a book once that time is the best narcotic for pain. Either the pain disappears when it runs its course or a person learns to live with it. At this moment in time something of both is applicable. The pain has not disappeared but there is less of it.The easy going slow pace on the work front is one thing I'm not really appreciating though, cause this is the one time that I could use some of the usual frantic pace involved to keep me occupied. Up until now I haven't told anybody personally about the events that transpired, and the two guys that somehow did manage to run across the blog (which goes to say a lot about how popular the blog is..) to find out have nothing more to offer than buying me a round of drinks so I can "let it out", as they put it. Which roughly means that I should get drunk and then bitch and whine about how things got screwed up. And that's why I haven't played along and don't plan on doing so, I've got nothing to bitch or whine about, I know where and how things got screwed up and I'm not pissed off at anybody. And one of the main reasons is I don't wanna be drunk when I'm sad. I've seen how pathetic I can get when I do that. Total nightmare...you don't wanna know.

Life has changed quite a lot too ever since the thing happened. There are obviously ways in which you expect things to change. Like dealing with all the emotional stuff you have to go through, analyzing what went wrong where and what the future holds. Then there are the slightly uncomfortable social situations where everybody starts wondering why you wanna hang out with them all the time all of a sudden, or how much you've started calling up your friends lately. Communications are affected. I haven't been online to talk to anybody for the whole month now. The Vodafone people must be wondering in awe if this month's phone bill was really mine, the guy who'd managed to sky-rocket his credit limit from a measly 3000 to a whopper of 10,000 bucks. Sleeping patterns are affected. The insomnia still prevails but for totally different reasons. It goes along the pattern of a Sine curve. At the beginning, fresh into love, you're getting no sleep, it's all just so exhilarating. Then as things start to settle down a bit, the amount of sleep you can manage increases...and then with the break-up it's back to zero. Entertainment is affected. Here it's mostly about what could trigger off the depression. Like I've been skipping almost three-fourths of the songs on my play list ( and now I've also got to learn why couples have "our song" and not "our freakin' whole god-damn play list"...once you've split you don't lose out on listening to all your fav songs)...cause they can be potential triggers. Ditto for movies, tv-shows or places you like to hang out at. And these "triggers" can also help in evaluating how much better you're getting....like the day I can sit and listen to "Almost Here" without feeling a thing I'll know I'm good.

And as always, I've tried to analyze what I did learn at the end of it all. And that would be that I've this tendency to get too complacent once I think that things are going along smoothly. And I haven't got what it takes to carry forward a long-distance relationship. That's just not my thing..... ok, I guess that about enough for now, about the whole thing, maybe I should move on to something else. Some of the guys on the blogroll have been seeming kinda down lately ( that's for Adi, Shyma and J with his visa problems) ....hope things are getting better now. Hmmm....next time I think I should try writing about something more interesting... like why i love to hate celeb couples, or why i think blogging is one step away from being termed sadistic, or why i really feel that I have super-powers, it's just that the accident where they are revealed to me hasn't occurred yet. If you believe me in the last one, you'll probably me my arch nemesis. If you don't you'll probably wind up as my side-kick.

I saw this tag on Sam's blog and thought of trying it out. It's supposed to be about revealing ten secrets, but the way it's going I think it could be better described as "10 facts about me that I can think of now" or something like that..cause I didn't see anybody reveal any secrets, and some secrets can get ugly....and I only want you to see my favorite side of me and not my ugly side ( I know I shouldn't stoop as low as quoting songs word to word...but it just fits, doesn't it??), so I'll play it safe. Anyways here goes nothing...

1. At age 14 my parents wanted me to go see a shrink. And they still do.
2. When I'm around girls and I speak in Hindi, for some weird reason it comes out with this accent that I didn't know existed until it happened the first time....and I've no idea why it happens. Honest.
3. In my 6 years in Delhi, I haven't made any friends. Made contacts, made acquaintances... no friends.
4. I will never share my food with a person if he/she had the option of having the same thing I'm having.
5. I can get really uncomfortable talking to people on the phone.
6. I like going to sleep with stuffed toys next to me. Kinda feels good...
7. I'd never tell a girl that I love her just to get her in bed. However I think one night stands are okay, as long as there's no cheating involved.
8. I have really terrible luck. It's no secret, but it's getting tough to come up with ten of these things.
9. A woman's feet can be a major turn-on or turn-off for me. Call it a kink or foot fetish or whatever, but I check out the feet.
10. I think I've got a good sense of humor...but with a terrible sense of timing, so it doesn't help me in any way.

Ok, so that's ten for me. If anybody wants to do it, let me know once you're done. And I'll head out of here for now. Got loads of "Single in the City" articles to catch up on.... ;)

The Trouble With Love Is...

After a relatively mind-numbing month spent contemplating whether I should resume the blog or let the "farewell" post stay up as I intended it to, events of the last week have given me some kinda reason to come back around. Rather ironically, if I may add.

So, I could quote a hundred songs about it or a million words....but at the end of it all nothing else but two words are enough to bring me to reality of it all. Su's gone. Forever. Period. No re-conciliations this time around, no second chances to make amends. Just like that, one day I wake up and it all vanishes. Not the love, just the chance to make it last. And in a way, Life, at least for the blog, has come a full circle. It all started with a heartache, then somehow out of nowhere came "the love", and now it's time for he heartache again, and it keeps getting worse each time. One place where practice doesn't really make perfect. And it's ironical, at least I feel it's ironical, maybe that's the wrong word to use in the context, because she'd said that she would stop talking to me if I didn't get working and put something up on the blog real soon.

Ok, I'll be honest. We both knew it'd come to this one of these days. But, and I'm gonna quote Su' herself over here...."In the middle of an ordinary life, love gives us a fairytale." And along with that a hope, that somehow everything will go right. That somehow, some way, you can make anything possible. And that's exactly where I, or rather we, forgot the ground rules of how the real world functions. We don't always get things the way we want. And as the curtains fall down on another chapter of my life, I muse on what hurts the most. Deleting all the signs that a person you love more than anything else ever existed, or having to forget a whole year of your life just because every little memory reminds you of that person, or the feeling that a couple of years down the line, the other person may not even recall who you are, or at least pretend to do so.

Anyways, I know the best thing to do now is to move on. Just wish it was as simple as the "Fast-Track" advertisements. And as always, I did learn something, came out a little bit wiser. And at the risk of sounding totally goofy, I'd really like to thank Su' for one thing. For taking the scepticism out of me. For showing me that love is not over rated. That what I did believe to be "real life love" was actually feasible. That all the things people say about loving somebody more than one's own self, all that is possible, and not just in greeting cards. And for never complaining when she didn't get all that in return. I'll miss you, Red. And I have a feeling that some part of me will aways love you.

P.S.: If you're reading this, life without you really sucks....but then, you already know that.

23.

22/03/1985.

22/03/2008.

23 years. 23 years since my arrival into this crazy world, since this wild ride called "Life" started...for me of course, life was here much before that. That's the only relatively significant happening I can boast of since I last came out here to write. And a couple of weeks ( that's also exactly how late this post is ) down the line even that seems insignificant....just a change in the digits and a realisation that time is passing me by, that's all I'm left with after the D-day has passed and celebrations attached have died down...that and a few greeting cards and a mother of all hangovers. And it sucks having a festival and birthday coincide....got 34 Holi greetings, 4 calls for the birthday wishes, so much for Mr. Popularity. Not to forget that it's also a "Dry Day"...but trust me to take care of that. The birthday evening just drilled in the fact that my social life shot itself in the head, which in turn points towards why there's nothing" happening" to report. So that explains the header for the post, lame as it is...but then, it goes well with rest of ad libbing I'm doing here under the pretence of writing. But then, small good things have been happening that help me along...help me retain enough enthusiasm to say "Life looks good." That's another thing that my head starts screaming the choicest of explicit adjectives when people ask me how my life's going. That should explain the weird look on my face every time I answer that question. And I know I'm straying off the topic and rambling on again...but I never did claim to have any talent for this, did I?

Honestly, I really want to crib and complain and bitch about life ( though I think I did succeed in that a lil' bit, my apologies ) and certain people in it right now, a LOT, in fact I had the whole thing worked out in my head, how I would go through pouring out my woes one by one to unsuspecting strangers...but I won't ( you can take a sigh of relief now ). Two reasons. You don't care and I don't want to because I know you don't want me to. Nice and simple.

I hope to be back soon...hopefully with something good this time, show streaks of some talent, give the people something they'll like eh? And finally, there are these lyrics that I feel come pretty close to describing my state of mind right now. So I'll leave you with them. Today, I feel unwell.

"All day, staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall.
All night, hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something.
Hold on
I'm feeling like I'm headed for a, breakdown.
I don't know why.
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell...."

Strangers.

Strangers.
You and I.
That's what we are.

I don't know you.
You don't know me.
It seems like an eternity that i've been staring.
And without blinking, you stare back.
Both trying to comprehend the others mind.
And the inadequacy to do so lingers in the air.
Chaos racing through the mind.
The world looks at us and says we belong together.
Say we know each other inside out.
But here tonight.
Strangers.
You and I.
That's what we are.

I try to work out the jigsaw in my head.
Did I come up to you first?
Or was it you?
And who spoke that first unheard sentence ?
That spoke more than a million words.
With a look that deafened with its silence.
I try, but my memory can't go back that far.
After all the sleepless nights with you.
And cursing you, I pull the plug.
You're gone....

A mere reflection.
Holding thoughts of mine I don't know.
Strangers.
You and I.
That's what we are.

I Came, I Wrote, I Slept.

Well, writing this post is gonna be hell of a pain because my keyboard's been pretty screwed up the last couple of weeks and insists on eating up letters at will, and to top it all I am sleepy...which sometimes can be disastrous...like the time in an e-mail it typed out "it seems you suck at work" where I was supposed to say " it seems you're stuck at work"...the little ' didn't help...but that's a whole different woe of mine. That's always been a problem...can never focus on one topic in my mind, one dish at a buffet, one girl in a crowd....you get the drift. Ok, I don't know how much attention you guys have been paying to whatever I insist on writing, I mean you don't have to, it's not like i'm going to take an exam....but once i'd written something about "Ghosts from the past" ....how they always catch up with you when you least expect and how it's good that they do...blah blah...just read the goddamn post again. What i'm trying to get at is that turned out to be true...i'd written that just on an impulse of thought and for once something I said actually happened and it made sense!! You can probably guess how euphoric I feel right now....after a lifetime of making statements that didn't stand an iota of a chance of coming out to be true something comes along that changes everything...

Now let's see..what else's been happening last fortnight....there was another marriage in the family...got a few more coming up pretty soon...and my mum's trying to find a "nice" girl for my bro to get married to....so that could be another one. I know that's a lot of weddings, but with an extended family as huge as mine's you kinda get used to it. But the marriage was good...the usual drinks, dance and dressing routine. And at the end of it another one bites the dust.

It might be the Goa hangover, or maybe the more-than-average clubbing trips...but have been fascinated by trance ever since i've got back....downloaded a hell of a lot of albums, my i-pods flowing with trance and for some reason am downloading "Virtual DJ 5.6". I don't know what i'm gonna do with it yet..but of course i'm gonna keep you guys posted on that. Another thing that has been keeping me hooked is "South Park". The bastards kill Kenny everytime....but I love the series, and the movie was amazingly hilarious. Must watch stuff.

Have a couple more things in my mind that I wanna write about but they need dedicated posts the way i'm thinking about them for now, and because if I post two posts at the same time...one of them gets left out of the comments, i'm gonna get to that in a few days. (Just keep reminding me 'cause i'm sure i'll forget!!) Till then , take care...and here's a lil' something to keep you smiling until next time. Done with the first two, now to get to the third...gotta get some sleep...well lots of it actually, is sunday today!! Cheers!!

Everybody's Changing... And I Don't Feel The Same....

I can't believe I let the dumbest post i must've ever written occupy the header position for this long..I really should've got to writing something much sooner. But that's the thing about not doing anything over a period of time...once you get used to it, it spreads over like a parasite to every single thing you're supposed to be doing. Who am I kidding?? I'm just plain ol' boring lazy. And because i've spent almost all of last month with the least amount of thinking required, i'll not be really surprised if this post knocks down my litereary skills by a few notches. Anyways it's time for me to put these thoughts buzzing around my head into alphabetic bodies and let them out. So here we go...

So it has been exactly a month since the last post...so that's one resolution i've not been living up to, writing more regularly, guess i'll have to work on that. But the past one month has been...hmmm...can't really find the right adjective here...has been amazing at times, at times has gone exceedingly bad...but the word i'm looking for here would be something akin to what a spiritualist would term "enlightning". Something about self-discovery and all that kinda stuff. It's been about new experiences, the exhilirataion of endless joy, the pain of regret...and about the unexpected, that the worse case scenarios are for real. And at this time, I can feel something's changed...in my life, not me if that's what you were hoping for. People just go through their lives looking for that moment where they feel they will be really and truly happy..and when they see an opportunity to get that perfect moment they'll do anything humanely possible to make that moment real, to seize it....and when you're living that little amount of time you've got, it's like the future and the past do not exist...nothing else's real except for that moment, you just have to have it, you crave for it's taste...and after a while when the moment is gone they'll keep it engraved in there memory, and keep looking back at it and hope that something just as good will come there way pretty soon...

And I don't know how much of what I just wrote made sense to you..but tough luck...I get to choose what I write!! Okay...i'm pretty much done with the philosophical talk, you can stop yawning now...

Last three weeks have been doing nothing but chilling out...started work this monday, new place, new people...and after such a long break, it takes a lot to get back in the groove. Had an amazing holiday...that's what I was talking about when I was blabbering on about new experiences and perfect moments and all that mumbo-jumbo. Had a couple of hit-n-run attempts by the motoring-maniacs of Delhi roads....have survived unscathed till now ( except for a bruise on my elbow...). And Delhi had been friggin' cold, but it's getting better now...but you already know that if you live here or watch the weather channel. Haven't read any new books...watched a hell of a lot of movies to discuss. Lots been happening in the world probably in the last month...but than I won't really comment on anything...i'm too politically correct and frankly my dear, I don't give a damn!! Well, atleast not today....

And today, incidentally, happens to be Valentine's Day...so Happy Valentine's Day to everybody...or the way I like to call it "Stupid-Cupid" Day. Hope all of you remembered your roses, n chocolates n stuffed toys n mushy cards....and yes i'm home..writing this blog on this evening...'cause I already had my V-day..which just shows it's not really about the date...the "14th of Feb"...it's just another ordinary day, just that we choose to make it special. Any day can be special...the stuff about special moments again. I guess I've come a full circle now, so I should wind it up for now. And hey...just for the heck of doing something interesting...with your comments let me know what you did on your Valentines'...that could be fun right? ;)

I'm So High!!

Well, one resolution of the New Year is already out the window. I'm bloody drunk right now, deleting and backspacing again to pretend that I'm not as drunk as I am...and I have no idea right now how much I am succeeding at that. Maybe I'll double check in the morning...when the hangover wears off. I'll also have to check how much I've hurt myself...when I tried carrying my cousin from the car to back home on the bed and fell down, because I can't feel the pain yet. And I'll also have to check how much of a fool did I make of myself in front of all the people...and in a counter-view, figure out why I did all of that. But right now I feel GOOD....despite knowing that a hell of a lot of trouble will follow tomorrow, or rather today morning...and that is why I'm up...so I can be up and out before anybody else takes it out on me. If I sleep I'm in hell of a lot of trouble. But right now this moment...I feel light...and I'm writing...which is a first...never been drunk and written before. And this could be a collector's item...cause tomorrow morning I could take down this post declaring is at totally nonsensical. But right now I feel so damn GOOD!! :)

Ok..here's a quote...from me of course...In retrospect all good times seem to be embarrassing at some point in the future..and minimum usage of accessories is recommended while being stoned in a high velocity vehicle...because things can go really wrong!!

And I'm off tomorrow....a Monday!! :P

And I love you all...I'm drunk remember?!! ;)

Thou Shalt Read This!!

Well, the new year's eve has come and gone. The first hangover of the new year has faded away. Surprisingly the mobile networks didn't get jammed up in the midnight hour...and all the mails and texts have been replied to, rather unimaginatively, I should add. (Got this one mail saying "2007 was great for me as I got married to the love of my life...hope it was same for you. If not, hope 2008 will be better"...Wtf??). And now to get to resolutions...I'm not sure if I stuck to the one I made last year..but that's not stopping me from making new ones. And you poor souls have to undergo the treacherous task of foraying through them. And since I have this weird habit of passing of really idiotic ideas for creativity...they're in the form of The Ten Commandments (Yeah..same as the bible...modified, of course!! ). Ten whole resolutions explained....so get out while you can....don't say I didn't warn you!! And in spirit of sharing that goes with the festive season, I left an extra commandment as the heading for this post...just for you. And let's get started...

THOU SHALT NOT BE JEALOUS
Pretty much self-explanatory....I will not let anybody make me jealous or get me down. The IIM-A grad friend who's three month paycheck will equal my annual renumeration, the dork in the mall with the oh-so-hot girlfriend, the bloggers (yeah..you people are here too) whose lives seem to be much more happening than mine, the cousin with his I-phone, the dog who lazes around at home all day, the guy who gets the larger slice of pizza, etc. etc....I will not be jealous or envy anyone of them. Nobody gets me down this new year. And in return (call it more of a payback!!) I'll try and do more things that make other people jealous...I know it's kinda mean, but there's some gratification in that....*evil grin*

THOU SHALT MAKE MORE FRIENDS
I need a more "happening" social life. After years of hanging around with the same bunch of people, I've realized this once they started moving out of town. I need more friends....and more importantly I need to keep these new friends around, give them a chance before declaring them weird in some way and forgetting about them. And also...I need to get to more girl friends...uhhh...let me re-phrase that, friends who belong to the female of the species, because there are some things you just can't get a guy to talk sensibly about, specially advice...n if I knew more girls I could've gone to one of those couples only New year bashes. (Any interested and interesting people, I think there's a contact me in my profile....although if you do contact me I'd think of you as a weirdo...but I'll try and go beyond that.)

THOU SHALT BE SOCIALLY RESPONSIBLE
I'm thinking it's about time I gave something back to the society...hence, the commandment. I'll not jump traffic lights when the traffic cops are around, I won't drink and drive while using public transportation, I will not litter if there are bins in a ten meter vicinity, I will get into queues for other reasons than trying to impress girls, I will spread peace..by not getting into any fights, because in all probability they end up with me paying the doc a visit...so no road-rage, no abusing people I don't know, no drunken brawls...might as well as run for President...

THOU SHALT GET A MAKEOVER
Six packs seem to be "in". Metro sexy has been "in" for much longer. And if that's what's in.. I've been out of loop. So it's makeover time. Go to the salon for more than just the monthly hair cut, take care of my skin, shave everyday, take an hour to pick out what I'm gonna wear, coordinated clothing and all, manicured finger nails, acting like a sissy et all...I'm going for it...am not shaving off my chest cause I've no plans of taking of my shirt in public anytime soon and ogling at your own body in front of the mirror falls under my definition of "perversive"...and there aren't any beaches in Delhi anyways. And I heard in this interview that SRK went ten days without food before the "Dard-E-Disco" shoot...and the chances of me starving myself like that are worse than odds of hell freezing over, so I dropped that out of the list. I'll be fit...I'll try not get a stroke eating all the burgers n fries. And I'll take the stairs to work...when the power's out and the back-up fails as well.

THOU SHALT "BE YOURSELF"
I still have to figure this one out. But I've been asked to do that a lot lately...well meant advices of course. I'll be myself (that surely means I won't change one bit..which is kinda against the motive here)...and I'll write for myself ( Yeah...I'm not writing for you!! Thpbthfffbb!!!)
*The weird word is me sticking my tongue out btw...pretty immature, I know..refer to Commandment no. 9.

THOU SHALT BE FINANCIALLY STABLE
I can picture my dad reading this and nodding his head in agreement. And as I learned from experience...money is a funny lil' thing....you can always find more ways to spend it than you can find of earning it. And there's always more to buy. So I need to work out a plan to manage my money. Get a financial planner, Hire a few accountants, invest in funds, ride the Sensex ride, prove DNA linkage to Bill Gates' inheritance, rob a bank...whatever comes first..It's all about money, honey!!
*Money makes people jealous....refer Commandment no. 1.
**More money, more friends...refer Commandment no. 2.
***Money fuels travel plans...refer Commandment no. 7.
****Money'll pay for makeover...refer Commandment no. 4...Jeez!!

THOU SHALT TRAVEL FAR AND WIDE
After a rather slow year...'08 will be the year of the traveling nomad (Ahem!! That's me...). I plan to get some traveling done in the new year and since my financial plans* don't really allow me much luxury to explore the world...I'll explore our amazing country...and if it's worse I'll explore Delhi. Either ways I'm clocking some miles. And traveling always makes for interesting reading and conversation topics.**
*Refer Commandment no. 6.
**Traveling to amazing places makes people jealous...refer Commandment no.1. And u make friends...that's no. 2.

THOU SHALT NOT GET HIGH
No..I'm not giving up drinking or anything. I'll not get high means I won't do it in the amateur-ish way I did it earlier. No more impromptu jigs, loud singing and cursing. I'll get high...it'll just be more subtle and sophisticated...Cheers!!

THOU SHALT WRITE
This means all you poor people are stuck with me for another year...and it gets worse, I'm going to be more regular, say a post a week or something, so there's more of me that you gotta bear. 52 posts of incoherent crazy thoughts...maybe more...probably less. Let's see...Oh!! And I'll write being myself and more maturely...whatever that means..

THOU SHALT ETC. ETC.
This one's a mixed bag....there were just too many things!! Thou shalt mind your own business, Thou shalt not make personal remarks on the blog, Thou shall floss every night, Thou shall get the bloody tattoo you always wanted, Thou shall love your work...or grin and bear it, Thou shall go to sleep at a saner time than 4 in the morning, Thou shall get your head checked, Thou shalt refrain from rambling on, Thou shall post smaller posts, Thou shalt buy me a large cheese dip pizza from Domino's..hey!! who wrote that in my draft??!!..Thou shall make a smaller list, Thou shall find something better to do.....

P.S. : The above statements are liable to change at any moment without prior notice and are not legally binding...Happy New Year everybody!!